Lunacy

My last words

2011-08-16T07:11:00.000-07:00

I love you my Lunacy....

I have so much memories here with you.

Whenever shit happened, i'll always come to you to uncapped my thoughts.

I am not trying to abandon you now but, i just lost the password for the email account and no way to retrieve it. Damn!

On top of that I don't want to change what i have created all these years.

You are one of my best creations i am proud to say!

But things has change. I have to move on with my life.

A brand new me is kicking in.

You would be my history.

A reminder of how I used to be.

I am trying to change myself for a better me.

An end to being obnoxious, crazy, hopefully vulnerable, and naive.

I'm truly gutted with myself for the things i've done in my recent years.

Hence, i needed to change.

And this is it, the time whereby i slowly realised what i want and needed.

The reason to all these was him whom he made me realised of what i want.

You will always be apart of me.......

Needs

2011-08-02T10:10:00.000-07:00

I used to judge those who quickly has a partner because they needed someone beside them regardless weather they are just treated as a re-bound or they just want somebody to kill their loneliness. I called them the weaklings, who are unable to stay alone by themselves. Little did i know that every humans are different and that it comes by as a need. Hence i stop the judging.

I too, of course has went through that path whereby finding someone else to just take over someone's place so that i dun feel the pain so much. I then learned how unfair it is and time wasting for both parties as one wants a future and the other just wanna kill time.

After that case, I swore to myself that i shall never repeat this mistake anymore. Look at me now, sadly to say, i need someone beside me to pull me through this rough time. Don't get me wrong, as in needing a rebound partner or whatsoever. Is just that i needed a friend to stay by me at all times. I didn't realised it until i returned from Perth.

I feel comfortable and for the first time i really stopped crying and smile from my heart when Mandy was beside me. At night i sleep soundly knowing that i will see her tomorrow and that we will have a good time together. When i returned home the first night, it felt like shiet waking up from bed to see no one beside me.

I guess that is my weakness. But my cousin corrected me instead, saying that it's a need and so don't be ashamed about it. And now that i learned about it, i shall remind myself to never take things for granted and that it is okay to want or need someone to be with you at all times or even just to let them know that they are needed, so just let your guard down and embrace the moment if ever i had the chance again.

Let's end my story now on earth, shall we?

2011-06-18T00:58:00.000-07:00

I would want to admit now that i really really feel like giving up altogether,

Get down on my knees and beg, please take me away from here.

I don't know what is life anymore.

Taking away my own life would be a sin to do and not being able to have another one next time,

but living life here now is the hardest thing to do.

I am torn and worn down to my core.

I am shaken by reality, unable to cope and fight.

I was never the strong one and maybe never was i going to be one too.

I admit now that i am unable to do things myself as much as i think that i can.

You have really rip it out from me so hard to show me that i can't do it alone.

As much as i am learning how to love myself, i am hating myself more.

Grey's words

2011-06-13T07:09:00.000-07:00

I have never stopped crying since the day he left me.

Every night, before i close my eyes,

tears streams down my cheek,

i had to cry myself to sleep to feel better.

When i fall asleep, it is then the only time that i can see you,

and i don't want to wake up because it hurts so badly to know that you're not around.

I watched Grey's Anatomy yesterday night coz it was on Star channel,

before it ends, Grey said this:

"Sometimes you can just let guard down, you do not necessarily need to be tough always...."

"It's now that i feel safe with myself and that i am not ready to give it up just like that......"

I'm only human hence i allow myself to cry and to feel what it is like to be left alone again.

I'm so tired of being ditch over and over again as if i'm worth nothing at all.

This time is was my fault, i was at wrong.

I think i should really reflect on myself and change myself for a better.

Uncapped thought IV

2011-05-10T07:50:00.000-07:00

I to haerenga, ko a au i mahue pouri

Uncapped thoughts III

2011-05-08T05:23:00.000-07:00

Let's see.......

I have so many things in mind but i am unable to word them all...

Step by step, here we go.

I'm in total rage because....

You called me a psychopath and telling me how possessive i am.

Here's the thing, you never realised the things that you said that can make me go apeshit!!

I can be a total bitch if you're asking for it.

I hate being called a psychopath just because of a guy? seriously....

and i do not appreciate either how possessive i am being.

Here i am lingering and thinking...

Maybe you are right. I don't know how i have turn into this ugly monster and i totally hate the fact that i am one now.

You're the only reason that i am being like that.

Now, how do i stop.....

All i was asking for is to just be beside you.

We used to be together every moment and now that you just move on like that,

Hey.....

I need time too. I am only human too to feel such a way.

I am so used to having you around and now that you are not around, of course things are different.

I know...

You said that maybe it will be good for us to be apart.

I think we are just not doing very well being apart.

But.......

I decided to take your advice and now it has turn me into this bitch.

I know i don't have the courage to say all this out whenever i am in front of you.

Sucks to be me!

I shall leave you alone or should i put it in another way.

Please don't call cause i need time to deal with things and pull myself together without you.

Yes....

I know you are doing pretty well.

Good on you!

But now it's my turn so spare me.

Please.....

Uncapped thoughts II

2011-05-03T08:36:00.000-07:00

It is only when we are apart,

we realise so much around us and what we used to have.

I do not think that it is working out.

Everything is different.

The feeling we have for each other,

the way we speak, the way we touch,

the way we look at each other are forever change.

Is it one of your tactic to help yourself to move on better?

Because I feel totally smothered.

There are so many things i want to say but can't express it out.

Whenever i do, i just get cut off.

Sure..you know best....

You said you will change but no.

On the other side, you get all rights to judge others,

What irony!

A full stop for us.

2011-04-24T23:36:00.000-07:00

While everyone is able to work out their relationships,

mine just went down the drain instantly.

We talked on how we should patch things up,

in a few hours time,

there we go again, arguing.

This time, was about him wanting others to have supper with us,

i on the other hand, wanted to spend quality time just the both of us.

For him, he didn't understand at all why it should be just 2 of us.

He said his heart doesn't want us to go different ways, but rationality is that we should.

For me I don't understand why can't we spend our time just the 2 of us, since we don't get to see each other during weekdays unlike we used to.

I told him we can't communicate with each other and i certainly don't know how are we going to patch things up.

After all that, he mentioned that i have poor comprehension skills, this made me feel dumb. What else, he called me crazy for thinking that we have spend less time with each other, this made me feel as if i am the clingy psycho. Which none of these two statements are true. I know it is not true. He said he wants to show me who the real me are.

He said that i am = possessive, irrational, selfish, only wants everything to go my way and also that i had lost him a very long time ago.

Then why the hell are we still lingering for so many months? He said is because he still believes that we have the chance to be good together.

There you go, finally crying and talking, we decided that it is best for us to separate.

It was heart breaking and tragic, as i thought we would be able to work it out until we grow old. Unfortunately no. Truth is even though we love each other, we are just unable to talk or work things out.

Whenever we talk it just turns to screaming, yelling and crying.

I do not want to end up like my parents. I do not want to have a broken marriage.

There are so many things i wanna say but words just won't come out. I am unable to decode my thoughts out. Whenever i do it like real slow, he will definitely, cut me of instantly. I feel degraded.

I am slowly believing that marriage and love does not matter anymore and it does not exist after going through so much shit.

That is the end of us.

Uncapped thoughts

2011-04-23T07:43:00.000-07:00

I haven't been blogging at all..god knows how long i've been away from this page of mine. Now, where do I start and how should I start expressing my thoughts here....

I remember the last break up, not quite vividly, but clear enough to tell myself that if ever to have a partner again i shall love him and appreciate the times we spent together because i don't want to lose him. After 2 years plus of not being in a relationship, here i am again. Going back to square 1 on how i used to behave. Behaving like how i have always been. Could not just back down, as my sense of pride keeps pushing in.

I do want us to be good, but there is something that i would not let go. Could it be because i am a very insecure person, so afraid if i were to give in, he would treat me like how my ex treated me? Just leave me like that? Why am i acting like this? There's always something missing in the relationship.

He said that i have never respected the relationship. To me obviously in my head there's this one question mark, hanging....."In wot sense?" He said that he has done everything he can to save us. I do agree on this. He has always loved me and cared for me and has always been there for me except for this one time when i was having diarrhea, that's the only time he could careless.

I have spent a lot of my time being with him and his family but yet he could not see it. He still thinks that i am not committed to the relationship we have. Hence, it leads us into arguments say maybe 4 times or more in week, and this has been on going for like 9 months.

Both of us are extremely emotionally tired. Obviously, i know part of it was mine to blame for calling it quits numerous time and of course with my temper that flicks him away from me.

We then came to realize that both people with strong personalities are unable to communicate with each other. Utter ridiculous right! This is the first time that i have ever encountered such things.

So wot now? i love him very much as well, but we couldn't get along. He said that he could careless whether we are together or apart. That really shatters me.

Ohhhhh wellllllllllll.......wondney law...just remember that life goes on and it is not the end of it. When one door closes, the next will open...hang in there!

2011 is here

2011-01-02T07:10:00.000-08:00

Yes, been blogging not soo much anymore. I try to make it as often, but doesn't seem to have the time to do it like used to or rather how i want it to.

Another year older. Have not achieve anything i want yet. How sad. Seriously, i don't even know what i really want at the moment. Has been like this since God knows when. How have 2010 been treating me. Not really nicely. I can tell you. Things just got bad to worse and worse to horrible.

But, i try not to let it bother me...How about i do a re-cap for this year?Shall we...

No1. Meeting a guy from the bar, which claims that he likes me but don't want to be in a relationship. That's fine, until he keeps calling every night after he is drunk for the next 3 months unable to let me live my life.

No2. I fell off from a blardee pavement n broke my foot. That's fine. But to actually find out 2 weeks later and got it operated without realising it was an operation, some anal docs we have in M'sia. Now i've ended up my foot with a screw. Is that even necessary.

No3. I was suppose to fly off else where middle of the year in search of myself and an opportunity to leave town which i hate so much. But nooooo, with my broken foot i have to stay literally in my bed room for the whole entire 2 months. Can anything be awesome than this.

No4. Hence, i found myelf a job out of boredom. For your information, i used to work for that same particular company when i was in kiwi. Obviously it was easy to get into the company since i know so much about their business, of course i did not reveal to them that i used to work for the company previously. STINK!

So, whatever i have stated for my 2010's resolution most of it are unachievable. How about this 2011's one then? With a partner with me, it's a bit tough to plan things that i should achieve alone.

Speaking of my partner, he is 180 cm tall. Long, skinny arms and legs, cute face, a temper, an attitude problem and a very protective partner indeed. We argue most times due to our indifferences.

So how should i plan?

I would really want to join dancing class but too lazy to hit the dance floor and practice.

I would really like my life to be else wea than here in Malaysia, but i have someone here who doesnt want to leave.

I would really like to lead a wealthy life but at the same time i would also want to live a simple one.

Fickle isn't it!

I'll try setting simple ones like........

- Earning as much money and career at the same time.

- Tone down my stubbornness and pride to get along with my partner.

End.

5.0.5

2010-12-01T08:39:00.000-08:00

Come back to life,

Where are you?

Why are you hiding?

Have you forgotten what is it like being treated like this?

Don't walk out,

You know that you don't want to be left alone,

Why say things that you don't mean?

Why can you not talk?

Express yourself, do not let anyone hinder you.

Are you tired?

Losing faith?

Giving into believing that love never really existed?

What happen to you?

You were never like this before.

Please come back before you lose everything......

Only you can save yourself from self-misery

Don't leave me

2010-06-03T12:56:00.000-07:00

This is the 2nd time of the week, i woke up with this nightmare. Wot is it about? It's horrible. The worse i've ever encounter. Best friends leaving me, ignoring me and boycotting me. I can lose everything else, but not them. They're the ones who complete me in every way. Without them, i just don't know how to live anymore.

Please........please don't leave me

Untitled Thoughts

2010-04-22T23:48:00.000-07:00

My days starts with him in mind.

When the sun is blazing

His figure vagues away

During the night when the moon slowly immerse itself,

My heart is always anxious waiting for him

He never calls or look for me

The senseless hope that i hold within me keeps me half alive

Now i am waiting for you to fade away from my life

Until then,

Don't come look for me Love.

I need another story

2010-04-08T01:43:00.000-07:00

It's been so long since i've blog. Busy wid life and i've met someone. Right now i've lost him. Everything here is happening too fast. My life is a mess over here. Even more so in K.L. Never thought i'll ever end up like this. It's deteriorating and i cannot help myself but to complain n wish that i had a better one. Looking back life in Auckland was awesome where things are easy n chillexing. Fuss free. The only complain that i have was not having enough of company from others or how should i put it in a way. I dont feel like socialising at all. Instead over here, everything is too overwhelming. Too much of socialising leads to disaster.

I met him at The Library. It was his burfday n was keen to get me a drink at the same time really wants to get to know me. I am happy to know him but at the same time i wish he hadn't had come over to get to know me. Somehow, somewhere within me knows that something shitty is going to happen due to my "commitment phobia" attitude. True enough look at me now. Sulking and wishing that things could've just be simpler. He is pushing me away from his life after learning of my dark past and not to mention after bumping into me and Akl boi. What wrong have i done since he didn't want us to be together and he is pissed seeing me hanging out with someone else? This is all too crazy to take. I have try giving in so many times. None of those has helped. I just wish sometimes i let pride take over me and not know anything at all in the end so that i wouldn't be hurt at the end of the day. Would it be better?

I just don't understand. Everything was all sweet and next second it changes so fast. He said he didn't like me being spontaneous but seems like now he's the one who being too spontaneous. Hot and cold at the same time! Mood swings are giving me the whip lash. Not to mention it hurts so badly that i got myself into a very confuse state of mind. I remember advising my friend that it is not the place who changes you, but it is you who holds the will to determine things. Right now i just realise that. I am taking control of my life now. There are somethings can be done and some things cannot be done. I know i believe impossible is nothing but some things are really impossible. As it is fixed means it is fixed. I am coming turning back to my self conscious since this is KL. Culturally different. Way things works here different too.

I wanted to leave KL, but look at me now. Can't even decide what i want. Seriously, i hate it. Not being able to know what i want. I know i dont wanna study anymore but i know the only way to leave here is to continue with my studies. Yes, i guess you can't have everything in life. There are choices to make in order to reach the other end. Now i have second thoughts. I do like it in Malaysia. But i know i wont be able to grow much if i stay here. I am contented here. I don't like it just being contented! I wanna struggle to achieve things so that i can be proud of myself! Now i am just purely disappointed of myself ! I wanna GROW! GROW ! GROW! to be a better person!

2010 resolution "A better me of last year"

2010-03-01T02:12:00.000-08:00

Yes peeps! It's 2010 and March already. I haven't write out my 2010's resolution. Hey it is still 2010 after all. I had a lil bit of time to figure things out. Like really clear my head off with things. Last year's resolution was fulfilling and i am very proud of myself for being able to keep up. This year would be different as i am now in M'sia no more in New Zealand. More temptation and hard to keep up with life.

Here's another list to fulfill this year:

1. Set up 2010 Calendar n stick it on the wall
2. Winter Clothes for wash
3. Clean the wardrobe to replace new clothes
4. Count your cash to keep track with your spending
5. New Hair do
6. New Lifestyle (healthy one)
7. Excercise
8.Shopping for new clothes n make-up
9. Lotion your damage skin
10. Be Orgnize (get a planner)
11. Note pad to remember things
12. Find things to keep your brain running
13. Never stop reading or finding out things
14. Find a church that suits you
15. Be true to yourself
16. List the things you wanna do
17. Implement all ideas you have in mind
18. Searh for jobs again!! make sure work hard n try to listen to wot they're telling you
19. Photography learn more, experiment more and find out more!
20. Piano lessons
21. Dance class!

That's all for now. Let's see how many can i cross out xD

2010-03-01T01:39:00.000-08:00

Living is not about FINDING YOURSELF but CREATING YOURSELF.

Change

2010-01-07T22:36:00.000-08:00

Wednesday was the last day that i'll ever party with Stephy as she has just board the plane back to Glasgow this morning. We went to Redbox for her farewell party. This is the first time heading to Redbox after 2 years not being with them. Yes, i've notice, everyone has changed. Jene, not too much, Bridget not too much, Huilian not too much but Munlye and Geetmay a lot. Not as fun as before. Maybe it is becoz Geetmay wasn't feeling well that night so she didn't went hard out. But things are definitely different from the last time. Or was it just me? who wants us to stay the same way like how we used to partied?

Was i upset? was i mad? was i unhappy about the changes? Really, of course i'd wish that we would be like how we used to. I guess i've been anticipating this for quite sometime and still trying to accept the fact that everybody is going to have their own life sooner or later. Still, i couldn't help it but to wish we would be like how we used to. I would never forget the days we had. Miss it so much. I kept hugging everybody i see who are closed to me. Afraid don't know when is the next time that i'll ever see them again. So very afraid of not being able to hug them or kiss them lol..This few weeks had only been spending time with them and no others. I had the best time of my life i must say. Best Christmas, Best New Year's Eve despite the first few hours was crap. As long as they are around things are beautiful even if it's the simplest things.

I met up with this very ol' good friend of mine "Enzo", and to think that i was lost at every point of my life, he always manage to lift my hopes up again by advising me and reminding me the simple things in life. I don't like or want to say it out, but the connection between me and my best friend is very vague. I don't know how to put it into words but "vague" i guess can be use to describe how our relationship is. I never thought of letting this relationship or our bond go into the drain. But i am struggling for ways to re-connect us back together. You know i would never give us up but i just could not find ways to reach out to her like how i used to. Funny, this friend of mine said, you don' t have to try so hard. Just be there for her. That's all you need to do. Best friends need not say much because of the chemistry or how should i say, the bond/relationship for so many years, understanding each others thinking by gestures. It does make sense, just be there for her no matter what happens.

I can tell you that we still like the same things, we have almost close to having the same taste and everything. But of course, this two years, we've been apart, she went through somethings which i wasnt able to go through with her and same goes for me as well. She's really more introverted now compared before. I am less extroverted myself lol as well but not as hard out as she is. I guess to revive us back is to be there for her as simple as it is.

Micasa and countdown to 2010

2009-12-29T07:51:00.000-08:00

Yes back in KL now..i tried sustaining myself in Auckland. Guess wot, couldn't work out. Now i am back in KL. I thought after coming back here i would have a rough idea on what i want. Turns out i am still pretty lost. What goals do i have? seriously none. Two more days to go and 2010 will arrive. What's next year's resolution then?

I pretty much fulfill this year's resolution already. Not completely but most of it. I have more than 10 in a list. I should be slightly proud of myself about it. But what about next year's one? Not a clue yet. I found love end of last year but never did work out at all. The love had lasted for many many months. Up till today i still have a bit of it to be honest. I know it will never work out. Not then, not now, not ever. I wonder what the hell is with fate? playing with my destiny?!?! I should let go completely since it is no good for me even from the start. I must remind myself that i am strong enough to overcome anything. And hoping that soon, God will send someone who is right for me.

I do have a guy who is dating me now. What can i say, is another long distance relationship again. This guy is a very nice guy, but would it work out?, that's a different story. Meanwhile, still maintaining it though. I like him but not love him. Ah well!

Christmas Eve was awesome. I did not regret coming back for this year's jolly season. Something incredible did happen. Joe proposed to P. San at 12 am Christmas day. Couldn't ask for more. Was my best gift ever for Christmas to witness such things. The joy was over whelming as i could not even use any words to describe how incredible or beautiful the feeling was. Everyone was present. Thank God for that!

But now i have even bigger problems in life. What the hell do i want to do with my life? Study again. Seriously, i hate studying. I know the only way to leave M'sia is to do another degree in Ausie. But i really wanna start working and depend on myself for money. God has help me to get a job in Auckland. It was not what i want. If God knows best, why can't i contact him back? And help me again. Doubting God? Fully. I know it is bad and wrong to doubt God. But there are times, when a person is really in need, a person will be desperate. I am now in that position. Very much are indeed.

I realize everyone has change as all of them has their own life already. I am not sad about it as i anticipated this a long time ago. But inside me still wish that we could go back like how we used to be. I would not say i am the same me as before. I have definitely grow by living apart from them and being else where from them. Now to maintain this better me and continue growing is another step that i need to do. How to do it? i have yet to think about. But i will make sure to not slip backwards but to only charge forward.

HuiLian & MunLye Virgo babies

2009-09-03T03:44:00.000-07:00

HAppy Burfday in Advance LOVEssSs,
This is the 2nd year i've missed both of your bdays,
I did not plan for it,
but just couldn't make it back home for anyone's bday.
Hope you both like the carDss that i'm about to send tomorrow.
And of course,
a cake for you both.

I'm so sorry for not being able to make it for both of your birthdays.

Love Always,
wOndneY

Brisbane my love!

2009-07-31T03:09:00.001-07:00

I just got back from Brisbane. Yes! it's Brisbane again, same place, seeing the same things, well, not literally everything. This time, it was my eldest sister's turn to graduate from the same Uni as my bro did last time. And their graduation ceremony is totally different from what i have. More entertaining as there are more people and the convention hall is bigger. Needless to say, the uni is really a uni like what u see in the movies. Harry Potter from Griffith yeap..something like those! But without magic that's all.

I had a really great time in Brisbane, makes me wanna stay and not go home. Winter in Brisbane is awesome, it is exactly like summer in Auckland here, which is nice, u dont have to wear a few layers out. Can be agitating you know! Dad ask me to apply for the same uni as my bro and sis graduated from and continue with my masters. To me, that's like a last resort thing if i am not able to get a job here in Auckland.

If you're asking me whether do i want to go back to KL to work or not, seriously, i realize that i can do so much more if i am working in NZ or Ausie. I have too many dreams and i want to pursue them. U ask how?..Money of course. Money is the key to every dream. Like they say, no money, no talk. If i head back to KL that means low income, and your dreams will hardly ever come around. Plus night life there is a distraction lol....

I need a change. I am doing everything i can to have a better life. I know that i want a change so badly, that i've become desperate for a change. Anyway, while i was boarding the plane to Brisbane, i feel like somehow, i kind of lost my identity. As in, like i don't know where i belong to. I don't feel like i belong to M'sia or NZ or neither definitely Ausie. So lost in a split second. But oh well....!! I'll find myself...just have to trust in God.

Im supposed to put up some pics but just learn that my sister has cut the pics out from my memory card.. WHAT THE HELL!!

Until next time, ill post everything out!

Sulking time

2009-07-13T05:15:00.000-07:00

I came back home just to find myself crying.
Why?
Za, my house mate went back to M'sia for good,
another thing is,
i wasn't used to not having her presence around.
On that same day,
it was raining, i just wanna rub it in.
And when i was working,
i hurt my finger.
No biggie,
But it has been numb from last Saturday until now.
I'm pretty sure it's dead.
What's more worse?,
Receiving an email from the company i was hoping to get in,
Saying....
Sorry, you're just not qualified yet. Try again next time.
Why am i putting up so much of shit here?
I could be happy TOO, ya know!
IF ONLY.....

I was thinkin bout u after all

2009-06-18T01:30:00.000-07:00

No matter when or where, whenever i watch Naruto, It'll always reminds of me n you back in the days where we wud spent our weekends together watching it. Even after calling it quits for more than a year, the feeling of it, is very unforgettable. I wonder why....but i am entirely sure that i have gotten over you 100%. I do still miss the days we spent together, but i do not want to have another time with you again......So, weird...that i am still thinking about you after all!!

Want to be a juggler?

2009-05-31T02:51:00.000-07:00

So, finally i found another job that pays me.... FYI it's waitressing...if u r wondering what happen to my the other job...is still there. I am trying to juggle with 2 jobs. Seriously, i find it very hard. I really have no idea how people deal with it. Or maybe it's just me...don't know how to manage my time well to suit things....SIGH~~

I never thought i'd be a waitress. To me i never like getting my hands dirty. But u know what, i find it very enjoyable working in a cafeteria. Heaps of things to do to keep you busy. Not to say being a promoter you don't have things to do, but there are times where there's no customers and you just stand at the counter and dream away. Time flies by real slow...1 minute is like an hour~~

I guess when they say networking is very important, it's true. This job, i didn't have to apply for anything and i got it, because i knew the owner. Reality suck. You want to do everything yourself but in fact, you need to depend on networks to fulfill your dream. I was told that "It's not what you know, it's the people you know that is important". Even if you're a dumb ass, if u have good connections, you will be on top in no time. Harsh..!!

yeap another entry about 8pohs

2009-05-22T05:37:00.000-07:00

Another Friday nyt out in my living room. Was suppose to work but well, i don't want to, so....here i am chatting with May and Jiun. Only to find out, they hardly hang out together. Unlike ol' days there isn't a time, where we stayed at home during weekends. We will sure to find something to do though there aren't much to do.

I guess those days will never come back looking at everyone now. Work, boy friend or wrong time. And maybe it is because a few of us are abroad, the group has less people and not worth coming out to chillex. I told Jiun, at least we didn't take things for granted last time, we played until we got bored. Nothing to regret about eventho things wouldn't go back the way it is. But i do hope we would still be like last time. I really cannot help myself reminiscing about the past.

As for me i don't even have them around. SAD!! Can't wait to see them...Hope to see them ASAP too...

Missing you all always

Love:
Wondney

What's wrong now?

2009-05-15T04:02:00.000-07:00

It's 11.02 p.m. and i still can't write a single word out?!?! Feel so uninspired and unmotivated. This job is really a killer. If they would just pay me basic, i bet i will die for the company because of responsibility sake. But NoooOOooo.....i'm slacking off now... i feel like i am being ripped off. It's okay to work mon to fri or even weekends if i was given a bit of wages but this one no contract, no wages, i am not allowed to have my own personal time on weekends, everything let me know last minute and not to mention trying to teach me how to prioritize my life. Fucking ABSURD!! although, i am flattered that i am being used to the max and i feel like i am appreciated as one of the company's as if most important assets....But still, i am only human if i feel like a Sucker!!

To think about it they can actually cut me off after the first magazine is published. Why? because i don't have a contract with them. And not to mention, they can say that i worked for them voluntarily. They need me now is because the magazine is going to publish soon and that they dont have enough man power to do things...I pity them but yet at the same time if i dont help myself to another job i would soon have to leave this country . Just now i watched the news, 180 people just got redundant from this clothing factory. Looking for job now is going to be so much more tougher. And the retailers aren't doing very well. The economist assumes that it will even be worse for the next few months..DAMN it!!!

I wonder hows my life going to be in another 1 month time!! DIE DIE DIE

Haven't reach the destination yet?

2009-04-30T15:26:00.000-07:00

What an early entry for Wondney to post....it's 10.27 a.m down south here. Everyday the wheather is getting more and more fug up!.....Yes, it's me working. Finally, found a job. BUT.......it's not one to settle for as this is a commission based job. I've been given a very nice title. Shud take a pic of my own name card. It says : Nicole Law - Reporter....@_@

I too am wondering how the hell i got myself to be a reporter....?!?! Of all things i can be, but the job i did was more than just a reporter. Multi task..i am no good at it. But oh well, i am taking this as my stepping stone. Gaining expereince and trying to make my CV look better to get into a better company. Ahhh...life....sweet life!!! NOT!!!

Somehow, i feel like something is just incomplete. I did a stupid quiz on FB, "what kind of girl am i?"....turns out 0_0..i'm a lonley girl......AaaWww!! cheer up..i told myself...tht aint so bad lol...."Lonely girl" feel insulted but then it's true i am lonely. Could it be that i miss them too much? yes, i admit i do miss them hell lots and wishing they were here me instead of me being back wid them. Hey, at least i am not desperate to just find some boy and kill time or having the idea of being wid someone because i was lonely...I am proud of myself for taking time off and to realise that i am giving myself a chance to see a million things without needing to take other ppl into my account whether or not that they wud wanna do the same =D

Anyway, it's been a long time since i've blog due to stirred up emotionals that i've went through. I hope there will be better things to come in future. Please God, i have full faith in you..lead me to a spot where the light pierces through the black sky where i can find sweet serenity. LOL *a bit dramatic right ?!?!" i know hahaha.... well, shud get back to work now.. Blog again when i'm free.

Cheers,
Wondney

Emoness Kicks in during Easter

2009-04-10T17:12:00.000-07:00

I feel vulnerable and incomplete without you all beside me.
Enough is enough, i cannot take this any longer.
They say perseverance pays.
I'm still left hanging after trying so many times.
When can it END?
It's driving me nuts
I'm still thinkin......

Maybe it is up to I to decide now....
Afraid that i might regret after making it
But then again....i've got nothing to lose and nothing to gain.
It's just my heart is not prepared to let go.
Try starting today by letting go a lil...

Happy Easter Day everybody, May God Bless you in every way.

Life...tsk! tsk! tsk!

2009-02-23T04:33:00.000-08:00

Wake up and smell the flowers..Graduation is finally over.. What's next?!?!....applying for working visa. Desperate to have a proper job here...really really desperate....Can't wait to work and slowly secure myself financially...Heard it's a bit hard to get a job here...But i'm risking everything to stay here..choosing to stay here, when my life is in back in kl...i heard my friend's are picking up part time job in some banks on the weekends...well, looking at them motivates me to even wanna work harder. But then first thing is first, have to get a FUCKING JOB here...not easy!!not easy!! Please God help me in getting me a job. Only you can provide me a job now and no one else. I write this out to remind me to have continuous faith in you. As i know, i easily loose faith.

Next thing, yes i couldn't believe myself that we've been separated for so long already. Looking at your now pics, brings me back to the times where we used to spent time together and i used to tell myself that time, that i don't think i can ever let you go. Look at me now....being all happy without you in my life. If you ask me, do i want another chance in getting back with you and having a life with you again...i would say no. Things has change, my perspective in seeing things has broaden. But nevertheless i have gained a lot in the past relationship i have with you. I learned how to love, how to care, how to be patient, how to not be stubborn, how to take other people's feeling into consideration before speaking, learn how to put my pride away, learn how to give in and lastly, i was in love with your family. All these experience i have with you brings me to a step further in life. I shall say that you are the first real relationship i have ever gotten into. And for some reason i thought we will be together forever. I guess everything really happens for a reason. It's all good now. I wish u have a jubilee life ahead of you. And thank you for everything.

I've just sent my mom, bro n sis off to the airport yesterday. Somehow, this is my first time missing mom in years. I have never miss mom in like so many years after since i hated her for some time. But this time is different. I miss her staying in my place. I miss her cooking and washing for me. I miss her talking to me and hugging me. I didn't cry tho when i sent them to the airport. Guess was too tired to even cry. After sending them off and head back home for a good rest, the feeling of lonesome came back. Felt like something is missing. When they were here with me i feel so secure and laid back. Now, all alone again. It's fine. I'll try to find something to feel in the gap. Hopefully soon enough before i fall into depression again!

Enough for tonight. Next would be my grad pics and holiday pics with family...

Oyasuminasai

Learn to fall and hit the ground

2009-02-11T18:39:00.000-08:00

He slowly took one step behind,
Leaving me to learn how to stand on my my 2 feet,
All this while,
He's been there to hold me whenever i fall,
This time,
He has made up his mind,
Letting me stand all by myself,
Widen the boundaries he has set for me,
Taking off the ring of protection that he has layed,

I'm not used to it,
Once he told me that,
As all this while,
You have always been protecting me,
But i'll accept the fact that it's time for me to start learning how to stand by myself.
I can too be like the rest,
And i want to be like the rest,
To make you proud and not worry about me all the time.
Thank you for being there for me ever since i was brought to this planet.

I wouldn't complain about my life isn't all that perfect,
I find life being perfect with the people i am with and has grown with me through out the many years,
I am blessed with the people whom i have met,
And i'm overwhelmed with gratitude having them by my side.
I shall say that i am lucky to have lovely friends who are the best people i can ever have in life.
Not to mention, you all complete me in a way.
Without you all, i am nothing.
Missing all of you every now and then.

Lost in space

2009-02-06T18:38:00.000-08:00

Another wake up with tears in my eyes streaming down my cheeks,
landing on the same pillow i once used to cried on,
Heart with an arrow pierced through my fragile lil heart
Another 365 of lonesome nights again
Enjoying drowning myself in sorrow using alcohol
But this time the picture was perfectly clear
The memories i have of you is awfully vague
Pointless to wish and hope
Playtime is over
Let's get back to earth to face reality.

My experiment

2009-02-04T23:29:00.000-08:00

Today is my first day of dieting using cigarettes....does it work?!?! HELL YEAH!!..i used fags to ease my cravings for food...and it really works....Fingers crossed hopefully, after convo i won't be addicted to fags and for now i hope to loose at least 2 KGs in 1 week time... =D

Like WhateVer!

2009-02-03T01:38:00.000-08:00

Eppie Chinese NEw yeaR peeps....late entry...i agree...but please forgive me as i have a lot of things to do....I've been puttin on a lot of weight...i dont know why...been eating a lot..big appetite all of a sudden...and grad day is in another 1 week time..im so fugged....i tried to eat lesser and healthier...seems like it's not working. I guess have to do it the unhealthy way....what do i have in mind u asked?....im planning to use cigarettes to lose weight..bad idea but after convo shud be fine..
i'll make sure i don't get hooked up by it.

Another thing is i found something that is really unpleasant. Yes, you....i'm calling you a suPEr Hypocrite...why would i say so?...go figure out yourself..why come complainin about my actions when you did the same too..Revengeful or what? i dont know...one thing i know you're corrupting your own values too. Don't get me wrong here, that i'd be awfully sad about it. It's just that i think you shudnt judge nor condemn others when you too have did the same.

Perfect Timing

2009-01-30T16:17:00.000-08:00

Wish the night can be longer,
I wanna stay in your arms for awhile more,
But time just would not allowed us to be together,
Knowing what the consequences are,
Both of us has built boundaries so that we won't cross it,
Just like the rest,
You are already judging me,
And i too judging you,
whether or not we were right about things,
I have no clue,
Wanna know more about each other?
It's impossible for us to do so now,
Time is running out,
Let's depend on fate to bring us back together.

Another untitled thought

2009-01-16T19:52:00.000-08:00

As I watched the moon from the window in Magis at Auckland,
i was thinking,
5 years from now,
Where would i be?,
How would i be?,
What would i turn out to be?,
The exact same question i asked myself 5 years ago,
But in a different place,
And with the different people i was with.
Who would know 5 years from then i would end up here in Auckland,
clubbing with a different people.

Undelivered message

2009-01-15T01:39:00.000-08:00

I can't say that i don't miss you at all
I do very much
Whenever i thought of messaging you
I would think twice
At the end of the day
I still do not have the guts to do so.

2009's Resolution

2009-01-11T04:10:00.000-08:00

I know it's a bit late to post up HAppy New yeaR EveryONe and my resolutions. Ohhh well!! Better late than Never right.....

09's Resolution would be as simple as this:
#1: Eat right
#2: Don't be Lazy
#3: Do something to pump up my confidence
#4: Try to achieve the things that i've always wanted to
#5: Fix my screwed sleeping time
#6: Keep clean and tidy
#7: Absorb every lesson i can learn
#8: Start reading to improve language
#9: Pick up mandarin class
#10: Focus
#11: Stop slouching
#12: Exercise
#13: Throw away the habit of procrastinating

There...i know it looks and sounds easy....but it's real hard when you actually start on it. Need strong will and discipline which i am so lacked in. Aaand motivation to do everything BlAh!!

Stay tuned for next post it's a lil re-cap of old pics...Expired Pics =P

Happy 2009 peeps!! Mwahhhh..

New Year's hearty words

2009-01-10T05:51:00.000-08:00

This few weeks, we've been talking.........

It all started from last December 2009, New Years Day..i guess both of us are going through the same feeling. The feeling of being lonesome. Her family had move to Perth leaving her and her younger brother alone. Meanwhile, me, go figure out what to do with my life in Auckland. To stay or leave?

I remember clearly back in the days where we used to call each other's house phone and chat all day or all night even though we'll be seeing each other later in class. We tuition together, we recessed together, and we hang out together a lot. If u ask me do i miss the old days just hanging with her alone, i do. And now, we have come to a point where we need to use technologies such as online chat box to see each other and talk to each other as well. Not to mention using social networks to keep track with their lives. How things had change over the years, but at least i still have you. A blink of an eye, its 2009 already. Somehow to me, 2007 was just like yesterday. That's when i lost myself, thought that by maybe coming here, i will find my soul back quickly. Fact is, i used one whole year to search back the ME and bring myself back alive again.

Yes, what you said it's true. You have always been protecting others. While i want to tell you, if i'm back there with you and the rest of them, i will like to take the opportunity to build you a new set of walls, sending my troops of army to defend your insecurities. Anyhow, no matter what happens, i've got your back. Even if you condemn me i would never leave your side as i know you are a true friend who's worth going for the extra miles. Yesterdays' conversation between you and me was awesome. It's been such a long time since i've heard you laugh like a mad person. I miss your hysterical laughter. It reminds me of us doing stupid things with the rest of the babes.

The incident that left us both being apart, i am sorry for not being able to be there to console you when you needed someone. And it is not that i don't want to let you into my disturbing world. It's just that i too care for you too much not to let you in. I didn't know it would end up hurting both of us by doing what i did. But i now learned that is ok to show you my fears as i have a friend that would look out for me, that will lend me a hand to pull me up from drowning.

As for the rest, i have not forget you all, not even once. Even when i'm here i was constantly dreaming of you all every night for the past first 6 to 8 months. And it is so nice to hear HL & PS voice last 2 days in HOHO. Come to think of it, we've been together for 10 years now. How can i live without the memories of us all. I shall say that all of you are my motivators in doing everything, this include Wei Li as well. I wish i can be home with you all, but seeing everyone of you working on your careers, drives me to think i should too do what i should to make you all proud and not always worried about me. I know i can be naive and hard headed. I would like to show you all the new me when i return. I am waiting for our next trip, anywhere will do as long as all of us are present in that trip.

Last but not least, Shieng you're another good friend i've found. I'm glad we sticked together in college days. And even we're far apart during Uni days which we're suppose to be together, at least we still keep contact and i feel our friendship bonding is stronger. Hope to see you soon, i wanna bunk with you like how i used to mwahh!!

To: SLKY
If we're destined to be with each other, we will be. As we would not know what the future brings, this is for the best even though its heart breaking . I would never forget what you have done and the memories will be preserved in a treasure box within my system. You will always be cherish.

I EVOL you all very much....

Highest achievements for now!!

2008-12-22T00:00:00.000-08:00

I woke up today and did some reflective......

I now realise how much i have missed out so many things in my life. I know i want to be someone useful and someone better. Who doesn't right!! i actually just realise that there were so many things i could have done to improve myself in the past to be someone whom i want to be today. I went like OMG, i could have been an awesome student back then. As i was rewinding my life back to high skewl days....There i was..i could have join so many clubs to make life more interesting and not to mention give myself a chance to experience leadership. What was i thinking at that time?!?! None of what i've just mentioned. I was pretty caught up wid the social life and ignored studies. Did i have a dream back then? Not really, but i do know what i want in future. Material wise. My biggest achievement is getting into IACT college, graduate with an advance diploma and highest achievement of all is doing my Bachelors in Auckland Uni Tech. I know this achievements like this to others are like peanuts. To me it is something that i have never thought of. Life in IACT really did make a difference in me. I'm not promoting them now but its true. IACT lecturers has thought me that :

"Nothing is impossible"
"It's never too late"

As i think back, i am glad that i have made the right choice in enrolling myself in IACT. The best thing ever happened to me and i get to meet really great people and great friends. Especially the one who's always dropping cough drops in my box LOL. For that 2 phrases of words has push me this far. I know what i've missed out and so i'm working on it now. I may not get back to the things i've missed but at least i know what i need to work on from now on . Step by step climbing up the stairs to reach for the stars.

Flirting Part:2

2008-12-17T22:28:00.000-08:00

Hunger for knowledge.....

As i was bored to death waiting for people to get back to me after sending so many CVs out, i then came upon this book which my mom handed it to be before leaving K.L.

As i was reading i came across another subject on flirting.....This time is called

"FLIRTING WITH THE FORBIDDEN"

I find it very interesting. I didn't know that God has this subject on flirting too. What is this "FLIRTING WITH THE FORBIDDEN" means?!?!.....

There shall not be found you anyone,
who makes his son or daughter pass through the fire,
one who uses divination,
one who practices witchcraft,
or who interprets omens,
or a sorcerer,
or one who cast a spell,
or a medium,
or a spiritist,
or one who calls up the dead.
For whoever does this things are detestable to the Lord
Deuteronomy 18:10-12 NAS

Whoever has been interested in these kind of things will then meet the worse consequences of all time. Interest as in lusting for it, is bad. But if one has meditated and practice long enough, along comes the devil. This is not something anyone should be playing with.

I remembered my mom's warnings very well to avoid things like this. Even the simplest thing like palm reading or tarot cards reading in knowing your future is a danger.

I know life would not be easy. And so i rely on faith itself that i shall over come anything that comes in my way and i shall not give up on anything although i know i give things up easily when theres obstacles. If i am destined to be something i don't want to, i will fight it although I am very afraid of going through hard life. But let's face it, no matter what it is, everything is hard. Nothing is easy that's how people learn and grow. I believe i have every right to change my life as long as i work on it. But in all ways, acknowledge God himself that shall help me.

Psalm 32:8
I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go.
I will guide you with my eyes.

Proverbs 3:5,6
5-Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding
6-In all your ways acknowledge Him, and he shall direct your paths.

From the above that is quoted from the Bible which i have fail to do so. And i admit, i have been crossing my principles in life numerous times. Consequences of it, has made me realise this today. If i were to stick to what i have set from last time, things would be so much different. But then again, i wouldn't know what the bright side is if i haven't step into the dark side to look at things from afar.

A friend once told me "You do not go to church to find answers, you are there to worship and give thanks". Another friend told me, "Church teaches people how to have faith in God". And just now my mom told me " Go to church to build a relationship with God, then God will show you".

My usual thought was to go to church and find answers. Very wrong. Not having enough faith in God. Very very wrong. Lost my relationship with God all because of i've crossed the forbidden side. So wrong. Was tempted and i gave in to temptation. Which is another absolutely wrong thing to do.

Has my thinking change?!?! From what i have gone through...yes, definitely change and my vision on things is slightly clearer. But there's more to learn from here...

Subject: FLIRTING

2008-12-08T23:53:00.000-08:00

"Why would you want to flirt or fool around when you're in a relationship,
might as well, don't be in one,
if you're thinking of flirting or fooling around"
It beats the purpose of being in a relationship.

This is what a friend told me whilst we were doing some catch ups. You are right, thank you for clearing my head as it has always been HAZY on this subject for the past few years.

What does flirting means?

Definition: Behave as if trying to attract someone sexually but without serious intentions
Definition: (flirt with) show a casual interest in.

My theory on Flirting comes in 2. #1 Flirting with intentions, which suits the definition from the above. #2 Flirting without intentions, you talk but it somehow accidentally attracted the opposite sex which wasn't supposed to happen (or it could be not considered flirting, just crap).

Now, don't get me wrong here, i don't like my partner to flirt neither i would when i'm in a relationship. Has always been against it, as flirting opens a gap of opportunity for others to intrude the relationship. Here's the story, my previous partner was a flirter, i knew he was one as i met him and caught up with him in a wrong place. But, the place i met him didn't tell me that he is one. It's the things he says(sweet talker). I admit, it was against my principle to fall for someone whom i met in a club. And so, i've met the consequences of it. Nevertheless, during the relationship, as much as i want to believe that he is not one, i was just being denial to the max. Which leads me through a lot of pain. It's true though, when they say, the closer you get to something, the tougher it is to see. I was just too blind and denial to face the truth. As i want to believe he is the person whom i wish he was.

Turns out nah!! He wasn't and never was. Had a very good lesson, but was it learned?, it has yet to be reveal. Sometimes, it made me think that flirting was in his blood or something, because through my observation, his dad too is like him. I look up to his mother very highly as she can stand the fact that her husband is flirting right in front of her very naked eyes. Imagine how many years they have been together. I would have gone crazy. Why am i writing this again? Seriously, i want to get it out from my heart and brain as it has been stuck there for quite sometime. Clogging my thoughts and feelings, confusing me on what's right and what's wrong. I've been in a state of confusion for too long over this matter.

Questions are like these...Is it alright to flirt? If it's not, why is he doing it? And somehow, it leads to What does Flirting means anyway?.... So, now you know.

To wrap this up...i believe flirting is very wrong when you're in a relationship. Think of your partner's feeling, if he/she would to do that to you, what or how would you feel? And....flirting will only leads to more disasters as one is attracting the attention of another because of what?You don't do it for fun. There's a purpose to it Biatch!. Which i must say, IT'S PERFECTLY WRONG!! and it's not okay. Saying that one will flirt lesser would never help either as it is WRONG WRONG WRONG! How stupid is that. Flirt lesser. Makes ZERO sense at all! You want a great relationship and things to work out, fooling and flirting is not the answer to it. Being faithful, loyal, honest and sincere is the key to it.

Closer

2008-12-06T08:23:00.000-08:00

You've gotta be extra careful with
The things that are close and dearest to you
You know the closer you get to something
The tougher it is to see it
Explain to me all your happiness
That you just experienced by my side
Or maybe you're so blessed in ways that
You can't even remember it all
That you are standing here with me
That you live and breathe and see and feel
They're all little miracles and wonder
Just by themselves.
You've gotta be extra careful with
The things that are close and dearest to you
You know the closer you get to something
The tougher it is to see it
You know the closer you get to something
The tougher it is to see it
And I'll never take it for granted
It's fine to say "Never give up"
Say "Keep chasing your dreams on"
But the more time you spend talking big
The less you get done with life
I'll let that handful of courage in my heart
Help me survive another day
And I'll never take it for granted
Let's go!

Quoted: OEJ EUONI

Lost in translation

2008-12-03T08:15:00.000-08:00

I wish there was someone who understands my feeling,
understand what i'm going through,
help me out and be there for me,
be my shelter when it's raining,
be my tree and shade me when the sun is shining,
be my telescope to show me the blinking stars,
be my angel to protect me,
Unfortunately, no one can be that shining star.
As much as i want to, i, myself neither couldn't even perform what i've just said.
Lost between reality and fantasy.
Once again, i'm lost.
As my soul has not return to me.
Have never learned my lesson even hitting the ground once.
Knowing that it will counter me back instead.
Why do i still risk playing it,
When the consequences of it is so obvious,
Feeling jaded.
I've lost the game.
Who am i to blame?
Only myself.

A Getaway from Auckland city

2008-11-27T05:55:00.000-08:00

What's new?...mmm...let's see...i just got to know that my convocation date has change to middle of February..which is one of the most amazing thing has ever happened...to me that is....after that i called up my dad and mom to tell them about it and also my best friend...whilst i was talking to her she suddenly took her mic up and put it up on her eyes...this is one of the weirdest behaviour i've ever seen and it's super funny..check this out...

Shhh...i secretly took her pic...muahahaha

Aiyor...yor...apa ni?!?! i really dont know what is she trying to do but its damn funny....she put the mic at her eyes there as if her eyes were talking to it...And yes say HELLO to my new credit card and eftpos card..look so much nicer than the previous ones tht i had..

Latest..
Previous....
See the difference....one more vibrant than the other one...Tehee!!but i like Westpac's Eftpos card tho..cuter!!Aaah...i was away for the weekend to some nice beach...relaxing and having fun...just purely FUN and away from the city.....While on the way to Corramendel, Grace had to stop a few times because of my Car Sick...so sorry guys..well at least we got nice shots of the sceneries right!?!?or mayb not~~

I know i look kinda hideous with the car sick face LOL...
The beach..mmm i didn't take much pic of myself..was damn lazy

Another one of my ugly moments of camwhoring..

Last days in Corramendal....

The Chef and Baker...
Yup....tht's my getaway from Auckland city with a bunch of people....nice people...i enjoyed the trip very much...i've not been happier in Auckland without u all..thank you for the trip...and again so sorry about the car sick...!!

Plansss...planssss..plansssssaaa!!!

2008-11-19T06:39:00.000-08:00

Results are out...not what i wanted them to be but anyhow, i manage to pass everything..So, this means say good bye to study life for the rest of my life, unless..... if i want to pursue a higher level which would not happen anytime soon..So tired of studying already..Now, take a breath and enjoy the view...after awhile, this town is fuggin boring man!! Due to my poor performance for the final semester in Uni, i've decided to make a "to do list" to improve myself. No point of looking back on what i should have done to improve my studies now aye! I only know that i was tired of studying ever since last year, but oh well..time to look into the future. This is what i've come up with:

My so called "FUTURE Self-IMPROVEMENT PLAN"

Reflective writing (1 month once)

This is to make one realize what has happen and take everything that's been gained into account. Also, to learn how to appreciate things in life.

Take Note

Take down everything i can. Especially while working. Buy a nice lil note pad for myself and encourage myself more to take down all informations. This is because i have a gold fish memory *sad*

Never stop learning

If uncertain with things, it should be cleared by asking despite being fugged. "Better safe than sorry". Old boss told me "No questions are wrong". This is one way ticket for self improvement .

Reminder (of positive things)

Falling doesn't mean you're loosing forever. If a person do not fall, how shall that person knows how to climb back up on his/her feet again? Everybody learns through mistakes, that's how one learns to be a better person through mistakes. "Nobody is perfect". Tough i know!!People will only grow through tough times. Hardened one's heart and to be even more wicked muahahaha!! (joking ok!)
Don't care how others look at you. This will only leads to self-disruption. The world has too many angles to see things, that's why there's no one dead point of view.
Always be alert around you.
Do not take things for granted.
Nothing is easy in life. It always has to start from square one to reach the end. So, Don't be lazy. It's time to work hard to foresee a secure future.
Vision is always healthy. Lessen you from side tracking.

Lastly, health plays apart as well. Well, it's all stated up there any suggestions please feel free to drop in and lemme know. Maybe i can add it up into my future account.

My random thoughts

2008-11-17T03:20:00.000-08:00

Exams over for more than a week now...and i'll be getting my results by tomorrow...i shud be happy about it but rather i'm anxious and worried because i didnt perform well for one of my subjects...And its getting more and more boring over here now..there's another 4 more months to go before i can apparently leave this place for good..i cannot imagine how am i going to go through x'mas, new year's eve, CNY alone..plus Valentine's day...well' Valentine's day its fine not everybody has someone to spend it so it doesnt bother me much...but the rest i'd say its a pretty much needa get together kinda thing.

Last year's Christmas was abit dull i would say...was an indoor celebration. As for new year's eve, it was a disaster. This year's Christmas and new year's eve would be definitely different from what i used to have back in K.L. but then hmm....i can't seem to feel the joy of it..They say the people whom u spent time with are the ones that really counts and not the place and now i totally agree to what they said as i used to disagree. I used to think that places matters when u want an unforgettable memory with the people you spend with...CNY i dun mind working and not celebrating it..

Another 4 more months to go....i really cant wait to get out of Auckland....im wondering whether would i miss Auckland once i touch down K.L? i would miss the weather here tht's one thing for sure..the life i have in Auckland?!?! i doubt so.... It's been 10 months now i've been here in Auckland. Did i really learn anything here...i would say yes i did..i am glad to get out of M'sia for once and experience life in another country but sadly, i have to sacrifice somethings in order to pursue my dreams..calling me selfish? i admit...i am in a way...And i believe everybody is selfish in their own ways its a matter of to what certain extent your selfishness goes..They say in order to achieve what one wants, one has to sacrifice other things in life to reach it...I totally agree eventhough everybody wants to keep everything with them. Although New Zealand was never my ideal place to be, well, at least i get to experience life outside of my country.

At first, i thought i would be strong and will be able to handle what ever obstacle because this is what i wanted all along..Fact is different...things get tougher here...wasn't easy to adapt to a new life as i was so comfortable with the old life. Getting to know new people wasn't as easy as you think. Afraid of discrimination, how would people look at you and so on. My level of confidence was never high enough, it is always at the lowest bar, i can only talk to people whom i felt comfortable with otherwise i'll just keep my mouth shut. While being here, i am lack of motivation to even get up from bed to start my day. Dragging myself from bed is one, dragging myself out of the house is second and to walk up the freakin hill is third. My initial plan was to stay here and get a job after my graduation...from what i see now...i don't think i would wanna spend my days here struggle every morning to get to work..trying to find meanings to having a life here.

I have big dreams...dreams of getting out from homeland and work in other people's country. Experiencing life where somewhere the grass is greener on the other side of the world. Unfortunately, my heart wants to stay with the people whom i cherish very much. A friend once told me, not everybody wants to go out to the world and explore leaving their loves ones behind..it all depends on individuals whether is it worth it or not..I now come to realize that after landing here for some time. Before, i was wondering why would anyone give up such an opportunity to explore other places?.....i guess it was only me who didn't understand the meaning of life.

i LoVe yOu

2008-11-09T20:47:00.000-08:00

You see the world is out there,
waiting for me,
that's why i wanna be as free as can be,
i know that you've been good,
and you've sweet,
So don't put up a fight,
just let it be,
Well, i hope one day while i'm missin you,
and so will you be thinking of me,
and we can be together,
to laugh about the past
But the love is still there for you and me.....

Quoted: uOy eVoL i yb NeHc nOsiDe

A stroll down the blissful memory lane with me

2008-11-08T06:08:00.000-08:00

Today, Jelly woke me up for exams shouting "Last day of Uni, wake up....wake up!!" my eyes was struggling to open coz i slept for 2 hours before exam starts...then feelings starts flowing through...yes bringing back the last days of high skewl feelings where u know that once u grad u would never go back to those life where DRAMAs, GOssIPs, StuPiDTy and LaUGHters with the group of girlfriends you were with will never happen after graduating from high skewl. No more committing skewl crimes with girlfriends and run away with it..the thrill feeling of like running away from teachers and prefects is not going to happen anymore, where days like that can only happen in high skewl.

Frankly speaking, i do miss high skewl times. Not that i love my skewl, the education or the teachers, is the life i have with the group of friends that i have met and other people as well. There were a lot of dope events going on actually..dope as in shitty events hahaha!!....i wouldn't say that i am proud of myself today because of my doings in the past. I regretted taking my education for granted and has made me what i am today. Struggling in everything i do and leads me to working extra harder to achieve what i want. This is a wish where everybody would want i think. That is to go back to the past and correct the mistakes you done. If i was given that wish, i would play hard and taken my studies into account as well. I didn't regret doing shitty things in skewl. I regretted taking my education for granted that's all and not exercising enough to get my ideal body figure LOL!!

This same feeling of unable to let go of what i have and to proceed the road in front of me takes me over when i was about to leave college and as well parting with a newly met colleague during internship. Appreciating life in college with the people I've met and the work that we do will never take place again ever with the same bunch of people. Rather living life regretfully, i try to appreciate what ever events during with them and laugh about it later on. Same goes for high skewl life as well.

Last few weeks ago, my long lost elementary skewl friend found me in FB and we started to connect back. One thing i notice about her, she's always saying how grateful she is for things that has happened to her although it was not as what she wanted. The word of being "Grateful" has never crossed my mind unless it's for my education achievements as i know i am never good at it. Other things in life that has happen to me, i was never grateful. I never took one second to realize how to appreciate things that i have with me. As she reminded me to be grateful with whatever things that has happen although is not the way u wanted it to be like. I stop to think again, i only appreciated the good friends i have made. As for other things, it never goes as i wanted it to so that's why i never appreciate or being grateful about it even though things are better than anyone else.

My reflective biography

2008-10-16T23:32:00.000-07:00

Falling and breaking down,
This is what happens to me,
I shut myself away from everybody,
Trying hard to be completely oblivious about what's going around me,
I build walls surrounding me as i thought it'll protect me,
This is my reflection,
It was my greatest stupidity for shutting myself away from the world,
I've missed out a lot,
While others are evolving,
stuck in time,
Lost and stranded,
Hoping someone would come and save me,
To my realization,
Only you can help yourself,
Time and patience is what's all about,
Easy said then done,
I was so caught up with myself until i neglect others,
I'd admit that i am not strong,
And i am ashamed of not being one myself.

A thOught

2008-10-04T01:37:00.000-07:00

But because there are things that are pulling me back,
OTHERWISE
I would go to the end of the world shouting how much 143,
and show you how much you meant to me.
You deserve better.
And i would like to prove it to you.

The little things in life

2008-09-28T22:15:00.000-07:00

Slow down and look around you,
It's been long since I've actually slow down and look around me,
Looking back at the pictures we've took,
i didn't realize we were so funny looking like an ASS!,
But i'm lovin it every moment spent with you all,
I'm missing you all once again!

An apology note

2008-09-24T22:57:00.000-07:00

I woke up at 7 a.m. just to find myself getting all heated up because:

We're repeating things again!!
I ran out of solutions to fix things
I didn't know you were only asking
I wouldn't know we'll end up like this

Just to let u know i really do appreciate you always, you never bail out on me whenever there's things troubling me. You always stay by me even though its just some stupid assignments.

It was never your wrong to start off with
And i do think you're the best any girls can have
When i say thank you i really mean it

My friends plays apart but they are different from you and you should know it. That's what makes you so important to me.

I am truly SORRY for my actions and the way i spoke to you

+ wondney +

Obsession

2008-09-24T22:15:00.000-07:00

There was one point in my life, where i was OBSESS with:

When i was younger...(Americans)

When i was a teenage..(Japanese)

When i was a freshman...(Hongkies)

And when i was in the middle of freshman...(Koreans)

And after watching Ratatoueille...(Not French mice but Paris itself)

But sadly, no matter how much you wanna be like them...it's impossible..on the other hand for Paris...i am still trying to save up and head there a.s.a.p.......before i loose my passion =P

Midnight rendezvous at Dv8

2008-09-21T06:00:00.000-07:00

My last week for mid-term break on weekends, this is how was celebrated in a way =.=" ..... i dunno what the hell was DV8...they say it's a one year once Asian event gathering which make it sound like a jaw dropping freaking huge thing like a rave or something.....and my! what am i for a surprise!

I attended the so called "RAVE" late...and I was expecting so much from it something like an open air rave coz they said it's a massive huge event for Asians and a one year once thingy...kinda got me into imagining "Zoukfest" and this is what i get...@__@ *disappointed & speechless*

To me, it's another POPPY session over here like back in K.L.with a majority of Chinese coming from different continents and a minority of Caucasian which i don't know where they are from..

My 1 min of camwhore session in the WC in DV8

The bench warmers..

The Aftermath of Jourdan Tan Han Kee

To start off my next day routine after the so called "RAVE" and indulge back into my assignment..I use energy drink "V"..shouldn't have start using energy drink to sustain myself in enduring work load...but then once u tried u can't stop seriously works better than coffee but damaging your health like more than twice..people please avoid energy drink!!

*mmm..taste like Ribena*

Advice from an energy drinker =.=" [say NO to energy drink]

Another mid-term break post

2008-09-19T05:58:00.000-07:00

This week's update.....

I finally received my credit card and my Westpac Eftpos card and on top of that i got myself my all time favorite Crystal star...but wasn't acquired using my Visa..so my Visa is still a Virgin LOL!! same goes for my Westpac Eftpos card as well.

Look at this piece of crap here...i bought it because i thought it is really less fattening....and to my surprise.......whenever i eat it, it gives me diarrhea..it's helping =D

END......

September Babies and my!my!...what a night!

2008-09-10T04:34:00.000-07:00

It's my mid-term break again!!What have i been doing? well, i've planned out somethings like homework and working out on my art skills for someone special..considered sweet and boring?!?!..anything new u asked? nope, not until yesterday that is =P..

Guess what..upon celebrating my house mate's birthday, his friends has planned a surprise gift for him..well, indeed i must say it's a very surprising one!!coz i myself was in for a surprise as well..everybody who celebrated with him chipped in some $$ for this lil 21st bday boy to get laid..not literally laid but LOL u get what i mean..so went to a strip club in Auckland...didn't get to take pictures coz wasn't allowed to..here enjoy the story from the pics that i have...It all started with a nice evening dinner..OH..not to mention my dinner was free not because of someone who's generous enough but because the lamb was literally RAW man!!i think they're trying to kill me -___-"

I know i'm fat so don't need to mention it =D..i was sitting in between these two groups of ppl so i got a shot of not exactly a stretch of of tables with ppl but separately....

You look absolutely fine Grace!!

This is the WWF RAW lamb that i have ate half of it..disgusting u say! i know @_@

Yes, another camwhoring picture of me in the WC of the strip club!! hey i was boring okay...the rest were like whoa!! here and there..tell u the truth i feel abit awkward actually looking at grls naked and putting their jugs on guy's face and the money we chipped in, we bought him a striper to play pool with him NAKEDLY...so, everybody was in the room watching him playing pool stripping his clothes off except for his pants coz it was the strip house rules...it was an eye opening..at least i know what it looks like now!! i strictly BAND strip clubs, whores now...!!no man of mine is going to any of these places.... for real!

Here are the few strippers who are off duty...

And this is the $2 dollar note from the strip house i got it from...Yes, they have their own money inside there!!

Aaaand to end this post, i would like to take the opportunity to wish a few 8pohs of mine and a friend HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! May all wishes of yours comes true for this year's birthday and may u be bless by the people around you.....xoxoxo

Here they are:

MANDY C. (right hand side)

Hui Lian, Zoe (left hand side)

Jelly a.k.a CHris

Thanks for reading...until next time..u know u love me xoxoxo (i know wtf!!im following Gossip girls now LOL!!)

mE fReeDom of sPeeCh!!

2008-08-30T05:33:00.000-07:00

I was late for IMC class this week because of trying to finish the imc assignment work till the break of dawn...my IMC lecturer is a very nice old man he didn't deduct my marks for it tehee!!....can imagine aye now he's like a grandfather-ish look...i like listening to him teaching it's like listening to grandfather stories...funny o'man reminds me of my cheeky dad!!

Anyways, he was showing us documentaries about communication technology...one of the videos was about Malaysia...when the great Mahathir was ruling...he was the one who actually encourage technologies to wanna turn Malaysia into a 1st world country instead of letting aliens thinking that we still sleep on trees..

So, this is why he set a vision by year 2020 Malaysia will then be able to compete with the other 1st world 2nd world or third world countries. Now, don't get me wrong here, I'm really not into politics seriously....but looking at my own country now really disappoint me. I fully respect our once great prime minister who'd actually change paria M'sia to the now M'sia with high tall KLCC although it's a 5 mins of fame thing..After Mahathir retired and he was just u know trying to give advice on how to make M'sia an even a greater country..guess what? some politicians asked him to shut up n just stay retired n not have any business in the politic field..Hey..he should be respected and acknowledged in any way for his hard work in bringing M'sia up. Plus he has experience and he's a very knowledgeable man.

And what about the new prime minister? well, changing the vision that has been set to something else...CONFUSING people by being inconsistent with the message that he is sending out..

It's good now since Anwar is stepping in...i fully support him in becoming the next prime minister for M'sia..well, so far that's what i think coz he's the best candidate and wiser than the other choices in the list..And stop accusing him for sodomy...that's so boring AND so obvious that he was set up!!duh!! All in favor Anwar is the best choice...Hopefully M'sia will be in good hands when he rules....But seriously if the society have a choice...i bet everyone would want back our once great prime minister "Mahathir" my man!! he totally rocks!!

pEacE ya'll....

Biased

2008-08-24T07:48:00.000-07:00

Yes, another screwed up for my layout dun ask me why... i'm still trying to figure it out...now is obviously a FUGLY blog....anyway, will fix it later!!

As i was just doing some catch up with my ex bf's friend, we were talking about how we are and well...did some history chatting about me and my ex...turns out not pretty people!!...there was this slight heated argument between me and him about my ex..true enough and it's plain to see the friends will always be standing by your own friend defending them...Now, calm down here....i truly understand that how people can be biased and it's just human nature because i can tell you that i am one of them too!!

Don't blame him for being like that, but you have only listened to one party...what about the other party then?!?! Isn't it sad to not actually know the whole story instead of knowing part of it...He gets to say and she doesn't gets to....Tragic yes indeed i agreed with u all the way down...

A moment in time

2008-08-23T22:38:00.000-07:00

Sorry was screwing up with my layouts and all to get a better something out of it..guess it didn't worked out and later on got so tired of it so i stop playing with it so it's all UGLY now!!....NEXT STEP...is to re-position my whole blog to show u people "it's me" have to be a lil bit into myself aye~ planning ppl planning...any nice goodie ideas just drop into my comment box....SHIENGZ you are one of them to needa help me to re-position my blog!! You inspire me muahahaha!!wtf

Anyway, yesterday was an ecstatic night for me...my 8pohs called me up and txt me as well...i even get to see how my best friend look like after months and months without contacting her and our chemistry is vague...We even get to webcam together...like finally!! haha

They were having a farewell party in Chee How's place for Chee How like duh!..Damn that guy is finally leaving for London, UK...isn't that great staying with Weili 8poh....i wonder when is he going to graduate aye..hey i might come visit you guys next year just make sure there's space for me to bunk with u guys K!!!...Seeing everybody was having a great time and at the same time has the heart to web me up in msn melts my heart real bad.....And not to mention looking at them evolving each time i see them, gives me even more reasons to work my ass off to show them i'm changing too.

8poh Bird-bird didn't join them but she called my cell phone..."hey it's expensive for your bills but i appreciate it very much so just u know" muaXxx....Sweet i get to know things that i haven't know yet..Hey 8poh cb Lian..going to Paris and London for your birthday aren't you lucky and with a paid trip...i'm happy for you!!Is my dream trip u know T_T....Have a wicked trip over there aye

Oooh..and Lebih Jene changing her career to a stewardess....i didn't know that either...worked hard babe and i love your new hairstyle...something new from you! make sure u work ur ass off so dat next time we go for trips u can get us huge discounts hahaha!!

hrmphh.....i didn't see ffur though where is she?!?!Mun lye looks pretty without her boom hair LOL...same o' lian jumping one side to another...really when i see her so reminded me of Paul Frank hahaha...pls dun kill me...smelly mouth n hair wasn't there either guess he's having war with ffur downstairs TOO BZ or either they didn't turn up for the party..hahaha

I'm soooo happy to see you guys....make me soooo wanna come home you Biatches!!but have to wait till next year only get to tin jui with u all sigh~ but i do know you guys are waiting for me haha *perasan* i miss bbq times, i miss steamboat times, i miss drinkin times, i miss clubbing times, i miss shopping times, i miss wasting times, i miss tripping times, i miss doink times, i miss working times,i miss togetherness times and most of all i miss all of you..

I'll be back so wait up!!....Love you guys millionz and zillions u too weili xoxoxoxo

Ass a marketing communication student

2008-08-11T09:19:00.000-07:00

Having obtained a diploma in advertising and marketing communications, i think i'm one of the worse student of all...simple messages that i want to convey out to anybody in a simple conversation it's always failure to do so..i find it that it is one of my main flaws and a very terrible one as well. Even since from young i find it hard to get my message across to others but yet i'm a communication student...What irony!!

The most basic and vital thing that every human does but yet most of us have difficulties in that area. Especially in expressing one's feeling is the hardest thing to do. Unfortunately mine is a different story. I can't seem to deliver what my mind speaks...as in into correct words and sentence and to actually speak out coherently when the idea is there....One more thing...bad habit...always loose words in my mind and worse when it comes to presentation..DAMN!! words are freaking missing as usual!!it's like wtf right?!?!

What i fear now is my future with my flaws...Flaws like this aren't minor flaws..Flaws like this are really big and it matters because it will effect my future job opportunities and even careers as well. It is a shame to even claimed that i'm a communication student and to even have a dream in wanting to be in brand management for one of my main career.

Pointless

2008-07-24T09:23:00.000-07:00

No point of missing someone who doesn't miss you anymore,
No point of fixing something you screwed up when that person does not acknowledge what you are fixing,
No point of trying since it was said fucked it,
No point of even include them in your future planning when they scrape you off from theirs,
No point of being emo because of them,
No point of findin excuses to stay,
No point of finding reasons to give up,
No point of hoping,
No point of being confuse,
No point to even feel for it...

Here we gO!!

2008-03-21T01:52:00.000-07:00

A brief introduction:

Yes, it sorta take a lil longer than i thought to blog something up..which eum it depends on do i have the time or not..anyway here's it...My NZ story begins here with a lil sprinkle of sad dust on it...i didnt get to take any pics when i arrive coz i was freaking exhausted didnt sleep well in the plane i was fucking hot, the aircondition was down at tht time..talk abt service huh from MAS!!imagine 10 hours in the small seat without aircond,and i ordered a white wine just to get myself to sleep in the flight, it's even worse when i told the stewardess tht i want a glass of wine, she was asking me twice just to confirmed "white wine?" looking at me as if i'm still underage -_-"..so, as i landed in Auckland, my back started to break..(too exegerated)haha..well, it feels like it though with lotsa hand carries..

Anyhow cut the story short check my Uni out for orientation skewl of business...

The Orientation Day was super happening compared to what i have back in college..they have games, free lunch, a drink with a dessert which i didnt take a pic of it but anyway check this out..

A lil bit of close up..

Yeap..dat sorta rapz up about my uni...well, more stupid stories to come but not now it's 4.35 a.m. can't crap now i'm now drifting in n out from my consciousness already..until next time i'll tell you abt my apartment yAh =D niteZzzz peepSss!!

+wONdnEY+

To Start Off

2008-03-04T05:02:00.000-08:00

Yello ppl!!...this is my fuggin new blog...For now it's abit late to think of something to blog will come back to you like mayb tommorow...Just lemme collect me stuff for u guys to see aiight nitez!!

ciaoZ

+WOndney+