It's been so long since i've blog. Busy wid life and i've met someone. Right now i've lost him. Everything here is happening too fast. My life is a mess over here. Even more so in K.L. Never thought i'll ever end up like this. It's deteriorating and i cannot help myself but to complain n wish that i had a better one. Looking back life in Auckland was awesome where things are easy n chillexing. Fuss free. The only complain that i have was not having enough of company from others or how should i put it in a way. I dont feel like socialising at all. Instead over here, everything is too overwhelming. Too much of socialising leads to disaster.
I met him at The Library. It was his burfday n was keen to get me a drink at the same time really wants to get to know me. I am happy to know him but at the same time i wish he hadn't had come over to get to know me. Somehow, somewhere within me knows that something shitty is going to happen due to my "commitment phobia" attitude. True enough look at me now. Sulking and wishing that things could've just be simpler. He is pushing me away from his life after learning of my dark past and not to mention after bumping into me and Akl boi. What wrong have i done since he didn't want us to be together and he is pissed seeing me hanging out with someone else? This is all too crazy to take. I have try giving in so many times. None of those has helped. I just wish sometimes i let pride take over me and not know anything at all in the end so that i wouldn't be hurt at the end of the day. Would it be better?
I just don't understand. Everything was all sweet and next second it changes so fast. He said he didn't like me being spontaneous but seems like now he's the one who being too spontaneous. Hot and cold at the same time! Mood swings are giving me the whip lash. Not to mention it hurts so badly that i got myself into a very confuse state of mind. I remember advising my friend that it is not the place who changes you, but it is you who holds the will to determine things. Right now i just realise that. I am taking control of my life now. There are somethings can be done and some things cannot be done. I know i believe impossible is nothing but some things are really impossible. As it is fixed means it is fixed. I am coming turning back to my self conscious since this is KL. Culturally different. Way things works here different too.
I wanted to leave KL, but look at me now. Can't even decide what i want. Seriously, i hate it. Not being able to know what i want. I know i dont wanna study anymore but i know the only way to leave here is to continue with my studies. Yes, i guess you can't have everything in life. There are choices to make in order to reach the other end. Now i have second thoughts. I do like it in Malaysia. But i know i wont be able to grow much if i stay here. I am contented here. I don't like it just being contented! I wanna struggle to achieve things so that i can be proud of myself! Now i am just purely disappointed of myself ! I wanna GROW! GROW ! GROW! to be a better person!
