A full stop for us.

While everyone is able to work out their relationships,

mine just went down the drain instantly.

We talked on how we should patch things up,

in a few hours time,

there we go again, arguing.

This time, was about him wanting others to have supper with us,

i on the other hand, wanted to spend quality time just the both of us.

For him, he didn't understand at all why it should be just 2 of us.

He said his heart doesn't want us to go different ways, but rationality is that we should.

For me I don't understand why can't we spend our time just the 2 of us, since we don't get to see each other during weekdays unlike we used to.

I told him we can't communicate with each other and i certainly don't know how are we going to patch things up.

After all that, he mentioned that i have poor comprehension skills, this made me feel dumb. What else, he called me crazy for thinking that we have spend less time with each other, this made me feel as if i am the clingy psycho. Which none of these two statements are true. I know it is not true. He said he wants to show me who the real me are.

He said that i am = possessive, irrational, selfish, only wants everything to go my way and also that i had lost him a very long time ago.

Then why the hell are we still lingering for so many months? He said is because he still believes that we have the chance to be good together.

There you go, finally crying and talking, we decided that it is best for us to separate.

It was heart breaking and tragic, as i thought we would be able to work it out until we grow old. Unfortunately no. Truth is even though we love each other, we are just unable to talk or work things out.

Whenever we talk it just turns to screaming, yelling and crying.

I do not want to end up like my parents. I do not want to have a broken marriage.

There are so many things i wanna say but words just won't come out. I am unable to decode my thoughts out. Whenever i do it like real slow, he will definitely, cut me of instantly. I feel degraded.

I am slowly believing that marriage and love does not matter anymore and it does not exist after going through so much shit.

That is the end of us.

Uncapped thoughts

I haven't been blogging at all..god knows how long i've been away from this page of mine. Now, where do I start and how should I start expressing my thoughts here....

I remember the last break up, not quite vividly, but clear enough to tell myself that if ever to have a partner again i shall love him and appreciate the times we spent together because i don't want to lose him. After 2 years plus of not being in a relationship, here i am again. Going back to square 1 on how i used to behave. Behaving like how i have always been. Could not just back down, as my sense of pride keeps pushing in.

I do want us to be good, but there is something that i would not let go. Could it be because i am a very insecure person, so afraid if i were to give in, he would treat me like how my ex treated me? Just leave me like that? Why am i acting like this? There's always something missing in the relationship.

He said that i have never respected the relationship. To me obviously in my head there's this one question mark, hanging....."In wot sense?" He said that he has done everything he can to save us. I do agree on this. He has always loved me and cared for me and has always been there for me except for this one time when i was having diarrhea, that's the only time he could careless.

I have spent a lot of my time being with him and his family but yet he could not see it. He still thinks that i am not committed to the relationship we have. Hence, it leads us into arguments say maybe 4 times or more in week, and this has been on going for like 9 months.

Both of us are extremely emotionally tired. Obviously, i know part of it was mine to blame for calling it quits numerous time and of course with my temper that flicks him away from me.

We then came to realize that both people with strong personalities are unable to communicate with each other. Utter ridiculous right! This is the first time that i have ever encountered such things.

So wot now? i love him very much as well, but we couldn't get along. He said that he could careless whether we are together or apart. That really shatters me.

Ohhhhh wellllllllllll.......wondney law...just remember that life goes on and it is not the end of it. When one door closes, the next will open...hang in there!

2011 is here

Yes, been blogging not soo much anymore. I try to make it as often, but doesn't seem to have the time to do it like used to or rather how i want it to.

Another year older. Have not achieve anything i want yet. How sad. Seriously, i don't even know what i really want at the moment. Has been like this since God knows when. How have 2010 been treating me. Not really nicely. I can tell you. Things just got bad to worse and worse to horrible.

But, i try not to let it bother me...How about i do a re-cap for this year?Shall we...

No1. Meeting a guy from the bar, which claims that he likes me but don't want to be in a relationship. That's fine, until he keeps calling every night after he is drunk for the next 3 months unable to let me live my life.

No2. I fell off from a blardee pavement n broke my foot. That's fine. But to actually find out 2 weeks later and got it operated without realising it was an operation, some anal docs we have in M'sia. Now i've ended up my foot with a screw. Is that even necessary.

No3. I was suppose to fly off else where middle of the year in search of myself and an opportunity to leave town which i hate so much. But nooooo, with my broken foot i have to stay literally in my bed room for the whole entire 2 months. Can anything be awesome than this.

No4. Hence, i found myelf a job out of boredom. For your information, i used to work for that same particular company when i was in kiwi. Obviously it was easy to get into the company since i know so much about their business, of course i did not reveal to them that i used to work for the company previously. STINK!

So, whatever i have stated for my 2010's resolution most of it are unachievable. How about this 2011's one then? With a partner with me, it's a bit tough to plan things that i should achieve alone.

Speaking of my partner, he is 180 cm tall. Long, skinny arms and legs, cute face, a temper, an attitude problem and a very protective partner indeed. We argue most times due to our indifferences.

So how should i plan?

I would really want to join dancing class but too lazy to hit the dance floor and practice.

I would really like my life to be else wea than here in Malaysia, but i have someone here who doesnt want to leave.

I would really like to lead a wealthy life but at the same time i would also want to live a simple one.

Fickle isn't it!

I'll try setting simple ones like........

- Earning as much money and career at the same time.

- Tone down my stubbornness and pride to get along with my partner.

End.

5.0.5

Come back to life,

Where are you?

Why are you hiding?

Have you forgotten what is it like being treated like this?

Don't walk out,

You know that you don't want to be left alone,

Why say things that you don't mean?

Why can you not talk?

Express yourself, do not let anyone hinder you.

Are you tired?

Losing faith?

Giving into believing that love never really existed?

What happen to you?

You were never like this before.

Please come back before you lose everything......

Only you can save yourself from self-misery

Don't leave me

This is the 2nd time of the week, i woke up with this nightmare. Wot is it about? It's horrible. The worse i've ever encounter. Best friends leaving me, ignoring me and boycotting me. I can lose everything else, but not them. They're the ones who complete me in every way. Without them, i just don't know how to live anymore.

Please........please don't leave me

Untitled Thoughts

My days starts with him in mind.

When the sun is blazing

His figure vagues away

During the night when the moon slowly immerse itself,

My heart is always anxious waiting for him

He never calls or look for me

The senseless hope that i hold within me keeps me half alive

Now i am waiting for you to fade away from my life

Until then,

Don't come look for me Love.

I need another story

It's been so long since i've blog. Busy wid life and i've met someone. Right now i've lost him. Everything here is happening too fast. My life is a mess over here. Even more so in K.L. Never thought i'll ever end up like this. It's deteriorating and i cannot help myself but to complain n wish that i had a better one. Looking back life in Auckland was awesome where things are easy n chillexing. Fuss free. The only complain that i have was not having enough of company from others or how should i put it in a way. I dont feel like socialising at all. Instead over here, everything is too overwhelming. Too much of socialising leads to disaster.

I met him at The Library. It was his burfday n was keen to get me a drink at the same time really wants to get to know me. I am happy to know him but at the same time i wish he hadn't had come over to get to know me. Somehow, somewhere within me knows that something shitty is going to happen due to my "commitment phobia" attitude. True enough look at me now. Sulking and wishing that things could've just be simpler. He is pushing me away from his life after learning of my dark past and not to mention after bumping into me and Akl boi. What wrong have i done since he didn't want us to be together and he is pissed seeing me hanging out with someone else? This is all too crazy to take. I have try giving in so many times. None of those has helped. I just wish sometimes i let pride take over me and not know anything at all in the end so that i wouldn't be hurt at the end of the day. Would it be better?

I just don't understand. Everything was all sweet and next second it changes so fast. He said he didn't like me being spontaneous but seems like now he's the one who being too spontaneous. Hot and cold at the same time! Mood swings are giving me the whip lash. Not to mention it hurts so badly that i got myself into a very confuse state of mind. I remember advising my friend that it is not the place who changes you, but it is you who holds the will to determine things. Right now i just realise that. I am taking control of my life now. There are somethings can be done and some things cannot be done. I know i believe impossible is nothing but some things are really impossible. As it is fixed means it is fixed. I am coming turning back to my self conscious since this is KL. Culturally different. Way things works here different too.

I wanted to leave KL, but look at me now. Can't even decide what i want. Seriously, i hate it. Not being able to know what i want. I know i dont wanna study anymore but i know the only way to leave here is to continue with my studies. Yes, i guess you can't have everything in life. There are choices to make in order to reach the other end. Now i have second thoughts. I do like it in Malaysia. But i know i wont be able to grow much if i stay here. I am contented here. I don't like it just being contented! I wanna struggle to achieve things so that i can be proud of myself! Now i am just purely disappointed of myself ! I wanna GROW! GROW ! GROW! to be a better person!