Untitled part.....?!?!

I actually have a lot to say....

But with the dragging and all, i guess i forgot most stuff that i wanna say.
We'll take it slowly....

Heaps of frustration.
Family, work and myself.

Let's start with myself.
I've plans to go to Europe on a holiday work visa.
But with the economic condition right now is a bit tough.
I am hoping that before i turn 30, i would be able to do so otherwise, there goes my chance on taking up the holiday work permit.
On the other hand, i would also like to owned my own place and have my own life, away from my mom, dad and siblings. Right now the career that i have it is just not allowing me to do. How do i find ways to get myself to earned more than wot i need and to be able to fulfill wot i have in mind right now? and plus the coming Euro plan?

Tough one isn't it?..........i am now left wid 3 years and 6 months left before i turn 30. TRAGIC!!
I'll have to take these few years out to plan and need to know what i have to do. They say PATIENCE is a VIRTUE and PERSEVERANCE pays.

It's either you go hard or go home.

Family side......
Too disappointed to say anything. Mainly with my younger sister. She has really kicked the hatred out of me.  I am feeling HATE.
Dad ain't doing too well, and helping him out with things was never easy at all as he is very demanding.
SIGH

Work side..
I expect myself to be richer by a dime this time around. With the unforeseeable circumstances, nope....
i am actually pretty tired of changing jobs and company but always getting into the wrong industry.
I was advised by my bro that i should look for something which interest me the most.
Thing here is i dont even noe wot i really want and passionate about anymore.
And Dan could tell i was going through my mid 20's crises.  


So if anyone out there could help me out here.....which i doubt so.

It's me that i would have to work things out, risk it and answer to myself and God.

Fear and inspired

I find myself constantly running away,

though every time i try very hard to find reasons to stay,

to be honest i am very tired.

The day before yesterday night was a weekend,

To those who doesn't know, which most doesn't,

I have a partner...well, not a very serious one....

He is not the perfect man within him or how should i put this,

Perfect on the outside but not in the inside.

A realist...a man with substance which is wot I've been looking for over the years but...

Yes....a but.....but not a very loving man.

I've been cooking up ways to leave but never did.

Never had the courage or should i say no solid reasons to.

After being with him for close to half a year, all i can say that he brings out the best of me like no other man can do.

Anyway, back to that night.

I realised the reason that i have been constantly running was because i'm afraid.

Afraid of committing to anything. The bruised that was left ages ago by i don't even know who anymore, has got me into being the now "ME".

Sad isn't it?...........

How did i succumb to this fear.

Afraid of being ditched and left alone, well..look at me now.

Ditched and left alone.

Well not literally. Hence, that explains the current relationship i am in now.

However, this man that i am seeing right now...guess wot? It's irony to say...

He made me realised life and pushing me towards stuff i want to do.

An inspiration....whenever i see him, he make me feel very inspired.

As time goes by, I then slowly discover myself.....

I am attracted to:

- Smart

-Articulate with speech

- Cocky

- Stylo

- Opinionated

All of the above mentioned are lethal. Extreme lethal to any women kind on earth.

BACK?!?!

See wot did i say..from the last post. I always come back to u no matter wot.

It's been so long since i write. All because i wanted to turn over a new leaf.

Just can't find the will to create a new blog and a new name.

I'll try fixing u up. You are part of me. =D

I duno whether i can still write. I guess have to start somewhere.

Hey all, it's 2012. Yeahhhh...I'm back. Different? Definitely different.

Though i have not make my 2012's resolution yet like i always do every start of the year.

Ohh well, FUG DAT for awhile. Not totally discarding it.

Wot's new?...

Mmmm...working in a new company. Gonna be appraised soon ey.

Hope everything goes well.

Working hard?

Certainly most not =D. Not yet at least. Will pick up in time. This year would be a honeymoon year rather than an intense hitting sales target year.

Still dream on leaving?

HEll YEAH...as usual...findin my ways to and dream on as well.

Dating?

Mmm.....

So, wot's this year's Goal?

1. Be better than last year.

2. Constantly upgrading myself

3. Keep myself happy at all times

4. It's time to change into someone stronger and sharper.

5. $$$$ non stop $$$$

In God i trust, hope this year...all things goes a bit better than the last 2.

My last words

I love you my Lunacy....

I have so much memories here with you.

Whenever shit happened, i'll always come to you to uncapped my thoughts.

I am not trying to abandon you now but, i just lost the password for the email account and no way to retrieve it. Damn!

On top of that I don't want to change what i have created all these years.

You are one of my best creations i am proud to say!

But things has change. I have to move on with my life.

A brand new me is kicking in.

You would be my history.

A reminder of how I used to be.

I am trying to change myself for a better me.

An end to being obnoxious, crazy, hopefully vulnerable, and naive.

I'm truly gutted with myself for the things i've done in my recent years.

Hence, i needed to change.

And this is it, the time whereby i slowly realised what i want and needed.

The reason to all these was him whom he made me realised of what i want.

You will always be apart of me.......

Needs

I used to judge those who quickly has a partner because they needed someone beside them regardless weather they are just treated as a re-bound or they just want somebody to kill their loneliness. I called them the weaklings, who are unable to stay alone by themselves. Little did i know that every humans are different and that it comes by as a need. Hence i stop the judging.

I too, of course has went through that path whereby finding someone else to just take over someone's place so that i dun feel the pain so much. I then learned how unfair it is and time wasting for both parties as one wants a future and the other just wanna kill time.

After that case, I swore to myself that i shall never repeat this mistake anymore. Look at me now, sadly to say, i need someone beside me to pull me through this rough time. Don't get me wrong, as in needing a rebound partner or whatsoever. Is just that i needed a friend to stay by me at all times. I didn't realised it until i returned from Perth.

I feel comfortable and for the first time i really stopped crying and smile from my heart when Mandy was beside me. At night i sleep soundly knowing that i will see her tomorrow and that we will have a good time together. When i returned home the first night, it felt like shiet waking up from bed to see no one beside me.

I guess that is my weakness. But my cousin corrected me instead, saying that it's a need and so don't be ashamed about it. And now that i learned about it, i shall remind myself to never take things for granted and that it is okay to want or need someone to be with you at all times or even just to let them know that they are needed, so just let your guard down and embrace the moment if ever i had the chance again.

Let's end my story now on earth, shall we?

I would want to admit now that i really really feel like giving up altogether,

Get down on my knees and beg, please take me away from here.

I don't know what is life anymore.

Taking away my own life would be a sin to do and not being able to have another one next time,

but living life here now is the hardest thing to do.

I am torn and worn down to my core.

I am shaken by reality, unable to cope and fight.

I was never the strong one and maybe never was i going to be one too.

I admit now that i am unable to do things myself as much as i think that i can.

You have really rip it out from me so hard to show me that i can't do it alone.

As much as i am learning how to love myself, i am hating myself more.

Grey's words

I have never stopped crying since the day he left me.

Every night, before i close my eyes,

tears streams down my cheek,

i had to cry myself to sleep to feel better.

When i fall asleep, it is then the only time that i can see you,

and i don't want to wake up because it hurts so badly to know that you're not around.

I watched Grey's Anatomy yesterday night coz it was on Star channel,

before it ends, Grey said this:

"Sometimes you can just let guard down, you do not necessarily need to be tough always...."

"It's now that i feel safe with myself and that i am not ready to give it up just like that......"

I'm only human hence i allow myself to cry and to feel what it is like to be left alone again.

I'm so tired of being ditch over and over again as if i'm worth nothing at all.

This time is was my fault, i was at wrong.

I think i should really reflect on myself and change myself for a better.