A cheer, a life and a heart.

Some was cheering on the behalf of our country's hero who got a silver medal for the Olympic,
While some are crying on the behalf of a lost life,
As for me, I am still wallowing on losing someone whom I liked very much.

All the above that has been mentioned plays a very heavy emotion.
A friend posted how do you deal with losing someone close to you?
I commented "Duno". It is certainly going to be the toughest moments for anyone and to be honest i don't even dare to think about it.
Seeing someone go or losing someone is bad enough already, let alone having someone close to you die and never to come back would be a disaster.

My has this pinch ever since he bid his good bye.
It has been worse knowing that he has someone else already.
Though I logically think that I should let him go since he has always been a douche bag,
i cant explain why am i feeling the way that i am feeling right now.

It is as if something is missing, incomplete and i am very much shaken up.
Only God can keep me together and alive.
I dun love him but what is this, why do i feel this way?
I guess i should not get myself into any relationship.
I dont think i can handle it. Not now and perhaps not never.

The Last Supper

It was definitely a Good Bye from him.
I held my emotions back so well even I could not believe it myself.
He asked "Are you going to be alright?"
I answered "I don't know".

Because I really don't know.
This relationship we have was all based on a very logical mindset.
There is nothing magical about it.
And even so, my heart felt burdened as we bid our good bye.
I wonder, if it's only me whom is unable to stand the thought of losing someone regardless whether you love the person or not.

I guess he meant something to me after all.

Thank you for all the time that you have spent with me, I am overwhelmed with gratitude.

Untitled part.....?!?!

I actually have a lot to say....

But with the dragging and all, i guess i forgot most stuff that i wanna say.
We'll take it slowly....

Heaps of frustration.
Family, work and myself.

Let's start with myself.
I've plans to go to Europe on a holiday work visa.
But with the economic condition right now is a bit tough.
I am hoping that before i turn 30, i would be able to do so otherwise, there goes my chance on taking up the holiday work permit.
On the other hand, i would also like to owned my own place and have my own life, away from my mom, dad and siblings. Right now the career that i have it is just not allowing me to do. How do i find ways to get myself to earned more than wot i need and to be able to fulfill wot i have in mind right now? and plus the coming Euro plan?

Tough one isn't it?..........i am now left wid 3 years and 6 months left before i turn 30. TRAGIC!!
I'll have to take these few years out to plan and need to know what i have to do. They say PATIENCE is a VIRTUE and PERSEVERANCE pays.

It's either you go hard or go home.

Family side......
Too disappointed to say anything. Mainly with my younger sister. She has really kicked the hatred out of me.  I am feeling HATE.
Dad ain't doing too well, and helping him out with things was never easy at all as he is very demanding.
SIGH

Work side..
I expect myself to be richer by a dime this time around. With the unforeseeable circumstances, nope....
i am actually pretty tired of changing jobs and company but always getting into the wrong industry.
I was advised by my bro that i should look for something which interest me the most.
Thing here is i dont even noe wot i really want and passionate about anymore.
And Dan could tell i was going through my mid 20's crises.  


So if anyone out there could help me out here.....which i doubt so.

It's me that i would have to work things out, risk it and answer to myself and God.

Fear and inspired

I find myself constantly running away,

though every time i try very hard to find reasons to stay,

to be honest i am very tired.

The day before yesterday night was a weekend,

To those who doesn't know, which most doesn't,

I have a partner...well, not a very serious one....

He is not the perfect man within him or how should i put this,

Perfect on the outside but not in the inside.

A realist...a man with substance which is wot I've been looking for over the years but...

Yes....a but.....but not a very loving man.

I've been cooking up ways to leave but never did.

Never had the courage or should i say no solid reasons to.

After being with him for close to half a year, all i can say that he brings out the best of me like no other man can do.

Anyway, back to that night.

I realised the reason that i have been constantly running was because i'm afraid.

Afraid of committing to anything. The bruised that was left ages ago by i don't even know who anymore, has got me into being the now "ME".

Sad isn't it?...........

How did i succumb to this fear.

Afraid of being ditched and left alone, well..look at me now.

Ditched and left alone.

Well not literally. Hence, that explains the current relationship i am in now.

However, this man that i am seeing right now...guess wot? It's irony to say...

He made me realised life and pushing me towards stuff i want to do.

An inspiration....whenever i see him, he make me feel very inspired.

As time goes by, I then slowly discover myself.....

I am attracted to:

- Smart

-Articulate with speech

- Cocky

- Stylo

- Opinionated

All of the above mentioned are lethal. Extreme lethal to any women kind on earth.

BACK?!?!

See wot did i say..from the last post. I always come back to u no matter wot.

It's been so long since i write. All because i wanted to turn over a new leaf.

Just can't find the will to create a new blog and a new name.

I'll try fixing u up. You are part of me. =D

I duno whether i can still write. I guess have to start somewhere.

Hey all, it's 2012. Yeahhhh...I'm back. Different? Definitely different.

Though i have not make my 2012's resolution yet like i always do every start of the year.

Ohh well, FUG DAT for awhile. Not totally discarding it.

Wot's new?...

Mmmm...working in a new company. Gonna be appraised soon ey.

Hope everything goes well.

Working hard?

Certainly most not =D. Not yet at least. Will pick up in time. This year would be a honeymoon year rather than an intense hitting sales target year.

Still dream on leaving?

HEll YEAH...as usual...findin my ways to and dream on as well.

Dating?

Mmm.....

So, wot's this year's Goal?

1. Be better than last year.

2. Constantly upgrading myself

3. Keep myself happy at all times

4. It's time to change into someone stronger and sharper.

5. $$$$ non stop $$$$

In God i trust, hope this year...all things goes a bit better than the last 2.

My last words

I love you my Lunacy....

I have so much memories here with you.

Whenever shit happened, i'll always come to you to uncapped my thoughts.

I am not trying to abandon you now but, i just lost the password for the email account and no way to retrieve it. Damn!

On top of that I don't want to change what i have created all these years.

You are one of my best creations i am proud to say!

But things has change. I have to move on with my life.

A brand new me is kicking in.

You would be my history.

A reminder of how I used to be.

I am trying to change myself for a better me.

An end to being obnoxious, crazy, hopefully vulnerable, and naive.

I'm truly gutted with myself for the things i've done in my recent years.

Hence, i needed to change.

And this is it, the time whereby i slowly realised what i want and needed.

The reason to all these was him whom he made me realised of what i want.

You will always be apart of me.......

Needs

I used to judge those who quickly has a partner because they needed someone beside them regardless weather they are just treated as a re-bound or they just want somebody to kill their loneliness. I called them the weaklings, who are unable to stay alone by themselves. Little did i know that every humans are different and that it comes by as a need. Hence i stop the judging.

I too, of course has went through that path whereby finding someone else to just take over someone's place so that i dun feel the pain so much. I then learned how unfair it is and time wasting for both parties as one wants a future and the other just wanna kill time.

After that case, I swore to myself that i shall never repeat this mistake anymore. Look at me now, sadly to say, i need someone beside me to pull me through this rough time. Don't get me wrong, as in needing a rebound partner or whatsoever. Is just that i needed a friend to stay by me at all times. I didn't realised it until i returned from Perth.

I feel comfortable and for the first time i really stopped crying and smile from my heart when Mandy was beside me. At night i sleep soundly knowing that i will see her tomorrow and that we will have a good time together. When i returned home the first night, it felt like shiet waking up from bed to see no one beside me.

I guess that is my weakness. But my cousin corrected me instead, saying that it's a need and so don't be ashamed about it. And now that i learned about it, i shall remind myself to never take things for granted and that it is okay to want or need someone to be with you at all times or even just to let them know that they are needed, so just let your guard down and embrace the moment if ever i had the chance again.

Let's end my story now on earth, shall we?

I would want to admit now that i really really feel like giving up altogether,

Get down on my knees and beg, please take me away from here.

I don't know what is life anymore.

Taking away my own life would be a sin to do and not being able to have another one next time,

but living life here now is the hardest thing to do.

I am torn and worn down to my core.

I am shaken by reality, unable to cope and fight.

I was never the strong one and maybe never was i going to be one too.

I admit now that i am unable to do things myself as much as i think that i can.

You have really rip it out from me so hard to show me that i can't do it alone.

As much as i am learning how to love myself, i am hating myself more.

Grey's words

I have never stopped crying since the day he left me.

Every night, before i close my eyes,

tears streams down my cheek,

i had to cry myself to sleep to feel better.

When i fall asleep, it is then the only time that i can see you,

and i don't want to wake up because it hurts so badly to know that you're not around.

I watched Grey's Anatomy yesterday night coz it was on Star channel,

before it ends, Grey said this:

"Sometimes you can just let guard down, you do not necessarily need to be tough always...."

"It's now that i feel safe with myself and that i am not ready to give it up just like that......"

I'm only human hence i allow myself to cry and to feel what it is like to be left alone again.

I'm so tired of being ditch over and over again as if i'm worth nothing at all.

This time is was my fault, i was at wrong.

I think i should really reflect on myself and change myself for a better.

Uncapped thought IV

I to haerenga, ko a au i mahue pouri

Uncapped thoughts III

Let's see.......

I have so many things in mind but i am unable to word them all...

Step by step, here we go.

I'm in total rage because....

You called me a psychopath and telling me how possessive i am.

Here's the thing, you never realised the things that you said that can make me go apeshit!!

I can be a total bitch if you're asking for it.

I hate being called a psychopath just because of a guy? seriously....

and i do not appreciate either how possessive i am being.

Here i am lingering and thinking...

Maybe you are right. I don't know how i have turn into this ugly monster and i totally hate the fact that i am one now.

You're the only reason that i am being like that.

Now, how do i stop.....

All i was asking for is to just be beside you.

We used to be together every moment and now that you just move on like that,

Hey.....

I need time too. I am only human too to feel such a way.

I am so used to having you around and now that you are not around, of course things are different.

I know...

You said that maybe it will be good for us to be apart.

I think we are just not doing very well being apart.

But.......

I decided to take your advice and now it has turn me into this bitch.

I know i don't have the courage to say all this out whenever i am in front of you.

Sucks to be me!

I shall leave you alone or should i put it in another way.

Please don't call cause i need time to deal with things and pull myself together without you.

Yes....

I know you are doing pretty well.

Good on you!

But now it's my turn so spare me.

Please.....

Uncapped thoughts II

It is only when we are apart,

we realise so much around us and what we used to have.

I do not think that it is working out.

Everything is different.

The feeling we have for each other,

the way we speak, the way we touch,

the way we look at each other are forever change.

Is it one of your tactic to help yourself to move on better?

Because I feel totally smothered.

There are so many things i want to say but can't express it out.

Whenever i do, i just get cut off.

Sure..you know best....

You said you will change but no.

On the other side, you get all rights to judge others,

What irony!

A full stop for us.

While everyone is able to work out their relationships,

mine just went down the drain instantly.

We talked on how we should patch things up,

in a few hours time,

there we go again, arguing.

This time, was about him wanting others to have supper with us,

i on the other hand, wanted to spend quality time just the both of us.

For him, he didn't understand at all why it should be just 2 of us.

He said his heart doesn't want us to go different ways, but rationality is that we should.

For me I don't understand why can't we spend our time just the 2 of us, since we don't get to see each other during weekdays unlike we used to.

I told him we can't communicate with each other and i certainly don't know how are we going to patch things up.

After all that, he mentioned that i have poor comprehension skills, this made me feel dumb. What else, he called me crazy for thinking that we have spend less time with each other, this made me feel as if i am the clingy psycho. Which none of these two statements are true. I know it is not true. He said he wants to show me who the real me are.

He said that i am = possessive, irrational, selfish, only wants everything to go my way and also that i had lost him a very long time ago.

Then why the hell are we still lingering for so many months? He said is because he still believes that we have the chance to be good together.

There you go, finally crying and talking, we decided that it is best for us to separate.

It was heart breaking and tragic, as i thought we would be able to work it out until we grow old. Unfortunately no. Truth is even though we love each other, we are just unable to talk or work things out.

Whenever we talk it just turns to screaming, yelling and crying.

I do not want to end up like my parents. I do not want to have a broken marriage.

There are so many things i wanna say but words just won't come out. I am unable to decode my thoughts out. Whenever i do it like real slow, he will definitely, cut me of instantly. I feel degraded.

I am slowly believing that marriage and love does not matter anymore and it does not exist after going through so much shit.

That is the end of us.

Uncapped thoughts

I haven't been blogging at all..god knows how long i've been away from this page of mine. Now, where do I start and how should I start expressing my thoughts here....

I remember the last break up, not quite vividly, but clear enough to tell myself that if ever to have a partner again i shall love him and appreciate the times we spent together because i don't want to lose him. After 2 years plus of not being in a relationship, here i am again. Going back to square 1 on how i used to behave. Behaving like how i have always been. Could not just back down, as my sense of pride keeps pushing in.

I do want us to be good, but there is something that i would not let go. Could it be because i am a very insecure person, so afraid if i were to give in, he would treat me like how my ex treated me? Just leave me like that? Why am i acting like this? There's always something missing in the relationship.

He said that i have never respected the relationship. To me obviously in my head there's this one question mark, hanging....."In wot sense?" He said that he has done everything he can to save us. I do agree on this. He has always loved me and cared for me and has always been there for me except for this one time when i was having diarrhea, that's the only time he could careless.

I have spent a lot of my time being with him and his family but yet he could not see it. He still thinks that i am not committed to the relationship we have. Hence, it leads us into arguments say maybe 4 times or more in week, and this has been on going for like 9 months.

Both of us are extremely emotionally tired. Obviously, i know part of it was mine to blame for calling it quits numerous time and of course with my temper that flicks him away from me.

We then came to realize that both people with strong personalities are unable to communicate with each other. Utter ridiculous right! This is the first time that i have ever encountered such things.

So wot now? i love him very much as well, but we couldn't get along. He said that he could careless whether we are together or apart. That really shatters me.

Ohhhhh wellllllllllll.......wondney law...just remember that life goes on and it is not the end of it. When one door closes, the next will open...hang in there!

2011 is here

Yes, been blogging not soo much anymore. I try to make it as often, but doesn't seem to have the time to do it like used to or rather how i want it to.

Another year older. Have not achieve anything i want yet. How sad. Seriously, i don't even know what i really want at the moment. Has been like this since God knows when. How have 2010 been treating me. Not really nicely. I can tell you. Things just got bad to worse and worse to horrible.

But, i try not to let it bother me...How about i do a re-cap for this year?Shall we...

No1. Meeting a guy from the bar, which claims that he likes me but don't want to be in a relationship. That's fine, until he keeps calling every night after he is drunk for the next 3 months unable to let me live my life.

No2. I fell off from a blardee pavement n broke my foot. That's fine. But to actually find out 2 weeks later and got it operated without realising it was an operation, some anal docs we have in M'sia. Now i've ended up my foot with a screw. Is that even necessary.

No3. I was suppose to fly off else where middle of the year in search of myself and an opportunity to leave town which i hate so much. But nooooo, with my broken foot i have to stay literally in my bed room for the whole entire 2 months. Can anything be awesome than this.

No4. Hence, i found myelf a job out of boredom. For your information, i used to work for that same particular company when i was in kiwi. Obviously it was easy to get into the company since i know so much about their business, of course i did not reveal to them that i used to work for the company previously. STINK!

So, whatever i have stated for my 2010's resolution most of it are unachievable. How about this 2011's one then? With a partner with me, it's a bit tough to plan things that i should achieve alone.

Speaking of my partner, he is 180 cm tall. Long, skinny arms and legs, cute face, a temper, an attitude problem and a very protective partner indeed. We argue most times due to our indifferences.

So how should i plan?

I would really want to join dancing class but too lazy to hit the dance floor and practice.

I would really like my life to be else wea than here in Malaysia, but i have someone here who doesnt want to leave.

I would really like to lead a wealthy life but at the same time i would also want to live a simple one.

Fickle isn't it!

I'll try setting simple ones like........

- Earning as much money and career at the same time.

- Tone down my stubbornness and pride to get along with my partner.

End.

5.0.5

Come back to life,

Where are you?

Why are you hiding?

Have you forgotten what is it like being treated like this?

Don't walk out,

You know that you don't want to be left alone,

Why say things that you don't mean?

Why can you not talk?

Express yourself, do not let anyone hinder you.

Are you tired?

Losing faith?

Giving into believing that love never really existed?

What happen to you?

You were never like this before.

Please come back before you lose everything......

Only you can save yourself from self-misery

Don't leave me

This is the 2nd time of the week, i woke up with this nightmare. Wot is it about? It's horrible. The worse i've ever encounter. Best friends leaving me, ignoring me and boycotting me. I can lose everything else, but not them. They're the ones who complete me in every way. Without them, i just don't know how to live anymore.

Please........please don't leave me

Untitled Thoughts

My days starts with him in mind.

When the sun is blazing

His figure vagues away

During the night when the moon slowly immerse itself,

My heart is always anxious waiting for him

He never calls or look for me

The senseless hope that i hold within me keeps me half alive

Now i am waiting for you to fade away from my life

Until then,

Don't come look for me Love.

I need another story

It's been so long since i've blog. Busy wid life and i've met someone. Right now i've lost him. Everything here is happening too fast. My life is a mess over here. Even more so in K.L. Never thought i'll ever end up like this. It's deteriorating and i cannot help myself but to complain n wish that i had a better one. Looking back life in Auckland was awesome where things are easy n chillexing. Fuss free. The only complain that i have was not having enough of company from others or how should i put it in a way. I dont feel like socialising at all. Instead over here, everything is too overwhelming. Too much of socialising leads to disaster.

I met him at The Library. It was his burfday n was keen to get me a drink at the same time really wants to get to know me. I am happy to know him but at the same time i wish he hadn't had come over to get to know me. Somehow, somewhere within me knows that something shitty is going to happen due to my "commitment phobia" attitude. True enough look at me now. Sulking and wishing that things could've just be simpler. He is pushing me away from his life after learning of my dark past and not to mention after bumping into me and Akl boi. What wrong have i done since he didn't want us to be together and he is pissed seeing me hanging out with someone else? This is all too crazy to take. I have try giving in so many times. None of those has helped. I just wish sometimes i let pride take over me and not know anything at all in the end so that i wouldn't be hurt at the end of the day. Would it be better?

I just don't understand. Everything was all sweet and next second it changes so fast. He said he didn't like me being spontaneous but seems like now he's the one who being too spontaneous. Hot and cold at the same time! Mood swings are giving me the whip lash. Not to mention it hurts so badly that i got myself into a very confuse state of mind. I remember advising my friend that it is not the place who changes you, but it is you who holds the will to determine things. Right now i just realise that. I am taking control of my life now. There are somethings can be done and some things cannot be done. I know i believe impossible is nothing but some things are really impossible. As it is fixed means it is fixed. I am coming turning back to my self conscious since this is KL. Culturally different. Way things works here different too.

I wanted to leave KL, but look at me now. Can't even decide what i want. Seriously, i hate it. Not being able to know what i want. I know i dont wanna study anymore but i know the only way to leave here is to continue with my studies. Yes, i guess you can't have everything in life. There are choices to make in order to reach the other end. Now i have second thoughts. I do like it in Malaysia. But i know i wont be able to grow much if i stay here. I am contented here. I don't like it just being contented! I wanna struggle to achieve things so that i can be proud of myself! Now i am just purely disappointed of myself ! I wanna GROW! GROW ! GROW! to be a better person!

2010 resolution "A better me of last year"

Yes peeps! It's 2010 and March already. I haven't write out my 2010's resolution. Hey it is still 2010 after all. I had a lil bit of time to figure things out. Like really clear my head off with things. Last year's resolution was fulfilling and i am very proud of myself for being able to keep up. This year would be different as i am now in M'sia no more in New Zealand. More temptation and hard to keep up with life.

Here's another list to fulfill this year:

1. Set up 2010 Calendar n stick it on the wall
2. Winter Clothes for wash
3. Clean the wardrobe to replace new clothes
4. Count your cash to keep track with your spending
5. New Hair do
6. New Lifestyle (healthy one)
7. Excercise
8.Shopping for new clothes n make-up
9. Lotion your damage skin
10. Be Orgnize (get a planner)
11. Note pad to remember things
12. Find things to keep your brain running
13. Never stop reading or finding out things
14. Find a church that suits you
15. Be true to yourself
16. List the things you wanna do
17. Implement all ideas you have in mind
18. Searh for jobs again!! make sure work hard n try to listen to wot they're telling you
19. Photography learn more, experiment more and find out more!
20. Piano lessons
21. Dance class!

That's all for now. Let's see how many can i cross out xD