5.0.5

Come back to life,

Where are you?

Why are you hiding?

Have you forgotten what is it like being treated like this?

Don't walk out,

You know that you don't want to be left alone,

Why say things that you don't mean?

Why can you not talk?

Express yourself, do not let anyone hinder you.

Are you tired?

Losing faith?

Giving into believing that love never really existed?

What happen to you?

You were never like this before.

Please come back before you lose everything......

Only you can save yourself from self-misery

Don't leave me

This is the 2nd time of the week, i woke up with this nightmare. Wot is it about? It's horrible. The worse i've ever encounter. Best friends leaving me, ignoring me and boycotting me. I can lose everything else, but not them. They're the ones who complete me in every way. Without them, i just don't know how to live anymore.

Please........please don't leave me

Untitled Thoughts

My days starts with him in mind.

When the sun is blazing

His figure vagues away

During the night when the moon slowly immerse itself,

My heart is always anxious waiting for him

He never calls or look for me

The senseless hope that i hold within me keeps me half alive

Now i am waiting for you to fade away from my life

Until then,

Don't come look for me Love.

I need another story

It's been so long since i've blog. Busy wid life and i've met someone. Right now i've lost him. Everything here is happening too fast. My life is a mess over here. Even more so in K.L. Never thought i'll ever end up like this. It's deteriorating and i cannot help myself but to complain n wish that i had a better one. Looking back life in Auckland was awesome where things are easy n chillexing. Fuss free. The only complain that i have was not having enough of company from others or how should i put it in a way. I dont feel like socialising at all. Instead over here, everything is too overwhelming. Too much of socialising leads to disaster.

I met him at The Library. It was his burfday n was keen to get me a drink at the same time really wants to get to know me. I am happy to know him but at the same time i wish he hadn't had come over to get to know me. Somehow, somewhere within me knows that something shitty is going to happen due to my "commitment phobia" attitude. True enough look at me now. Sulking and wishing that things could've just be simpler. He is pushing me away from his life after learning of my dark past and not to mention after bumping into me and Akl boi. What wrong have i done since he didn't want us to be together and he is pissed seeing me hanging out with someone else? This is all too crazy to take. I have try giving in so many times. None of those has helped. I just wish sometimes i let pride take over me and not know anything at all in the end so that i wouldn't be hurt at the end of the day. Would it be better?

I just don't understand. Everything was all sweet and next second it changes so fast. He said he didn't like me being spontaneous but seems like now he's the one who being too spontaneous. Hot and cold at the same time! Mood swings are giving me the whip lash. Not to mention it hurts so badly that i got myself into a very confuse state of mind. I remember advising my friend that it is not the place who changes you, but it is you who holds the will to determine things. Right now i just realise that. I am taking control of my life now. There are somethings can be done and some things cannot be done. I know i believe impossible is nothing but some things are really impossible. As it is fixed means it is fixed. I am coming turning back to my self conscious since this is KL. Culturally different. Way things works here different too.

I wanted to leave KL, but look at me now. Can't even decide what i want. Seriously, i hate it. Not being able to know what i want. I know i dont wanna study anymore but i know the only way to leave here is to continue with my studies. Yes, i guess you can't have everything in life. There are choices to make in order to reach the other end. Now i have second thoughts. I do like it in Malaysia. But i know i wont be able to grow much if i stay here. I am contented here. I don't like it just being contented! I wanna struggle to achieve things so that i can be proud of myself! Now i am just purely disappointed of myself ! I wanna GROW! GROW ! GROW! to be a better person!

2010 resolution "A better me of last year"

Yes peeps! It's 2010 and March already. I haven't write out my 2010's resolution. Hey it is still 2010 after all. I had a lil bit of time to figure things out. Like really clear my head off with things. Last year's resolution was fulfilling and i am very proud of myself for being able to keep up. This year would be different as i am now in M'sia no more in New Zealand. More temptation and hard to keep up with life.

Here's another list to fulfill this year:

1. Set up 2010 Calendar n stick it on the wall
2. Winter Clothes for wash
3. Clean the wardrobe to replace new clothes
4. Count your cash to keep track with your spending
5. New Hair do
6. New Lifestyle (healthy one)
7. Excercise
8.Shopping for new clothes n make-up
9. Lotion your damage skin
10. Be Orgnize (get a planner)
11. Note pad to remember things
12. Find things to keep your brain running
13. Never stop reading or finding out things
14. Find a church that suits you
15. Be true to yourself
16. List the things you wanna do
17. Implement all ideas you have in mind
18. Searh for jobs again!! make sure work hard n try to listen to wot they're telling you
19. Photography learn more, experiment more and find out more!
20. Piano lessons
21. Dance class!

That's all for now. Let's see how many can i cross out xD

Living is not about FINDING YOURSELF but CREATING YOURSELF.

Change

Wednesday was the last day that i'll ever party with Stephy as she has just board the plane back to Glasgow this morning. We went to Redbox for her farewell party. This is the first time heading to Redbox after 2 years not being with them. Yes, i've notice, everyone has changed. Jene, not too much, Bridget not too much, Huilian not too much but Munlye and Geetmay a lot. Not as fun as before. Maybe it is becoz Geetmay wasn't feeling well that night so she didn't went hard out. But things are definitely different from the last time. Or was it just me? who wants us to stay the same way like how we used to partied?

Was i upset? was i mad? was i unhappy about the changes? Really, of course i'd wish that we would be like how we used to. I guess i've been anticipating this for quite sometime and still trying to accept the fact that everybody is going to have their own life sooner or later. Still, i couldn't help it but to wish we would be like how we used to. I would never forget the days we had. Miss it so much. I kept hugging everybody i see who are closed to me. Afraid don't know when is the next time that i'll ever see them again. So very afraid of not being able to hug them or kiss them lol..This few weeks had only been spending time with them and no others. I had the best time of my life i must say. Best Christmas, Best New Year's Eve despite the first few hours was crap. As long as they are around things are beautiful even if it's the simplest things.

I met up with this very ol' good friend of mine "Enzo", and to think that i was lost at every point of my life, he always manage to lift my hopes up again by advising me and reminding me the simple things in life. I don't like or want to say it out, but the connection between me and my best friend is very vague. I don't know how to put it into words but "vague" i guess can be use to describe how our relationship is. I never thought of letting this relationship or our bond go into the drain. But i am struggling for ways to re-connect us back together. You know i would never give us up but i just could not find ways to reach out to her like how i used to. Funny, this friend of mine said, you don' t have to try so hard. Just be there for her. That's all you need to do. Best friends need not say much because of the chemistry or how should i say, the bond/relationship for so many years, understanding each others thinking by gestures. It does make sense, just be there for her no matter what happens.

I can tell you that we still like the same things, we have almost close to having the same taste and everything. But of course, this two years, we've been apart, she went through somethings which i wasnt able to go through with her and same goes for me as well. She's really more introverted now compared before. I am less extroverted myself lol as well but not as hard out as she is. I guess to revive us back is to be there for her as simple as it is.