My last words

I love you my Lunacy....

I have so much memories here with you.

Whenever shit happened, i'll always come to you to uncapped my thoughts.

I am not trying to abandon you now but, i just lost the password for the email account and no way to retrieve it. Damn!

On top of that I don't want to change what i have created all these years.

You are one of my best creations i am proud to say!

But things has change. I have to move on with my life.

A brand new me is kicking in.

You would be my history.

A reminder of how I used to be.

I am trying to change myself for a better me.

An end to being obnoxious, crazy, hopefully vulnerable, and naive.

I'm truly gutted with myself for the things i've done in my recent years.

Hence, i needed to change.

And this is it, the time whereby i slowly realised what i want and needed.

The reason to all these was him whom he made me realised of what i want.

You will always be apart of me.......

Needs

I used to judge those who quickly has a partner because they needed someone beside them regardless weather they are just treated as a re-bound or they just want somebody to kill their loneliness. I called them the weaklings, who are unable to stay alone by themselves. Little did i know that every humans are different and that it comes by as a need. Hence i stop the judging.

I too, of course has went through that path whereby finding someone else to just take over someone's place so that i dun feel the pain so much. I then learned how unfair it is and time wasting for both parties as one wants a future and the other just wanna kill time.

After that case, I swore to myself that i shall never repeat this mistake anymore. Look at me now, sadly to say, i need someone beside me to pull me through this rough time. Don't get me wrong, as in needing a rebound partner or whatsoever. Is just that i needed a friend to stay by me at all times. I didn't realised it until i returned from Perth.

I feel comfortable and for the first time i really stopped crying and smile from my heart when Mandy was beside me. At night i sleep soundly knowing that i will see her tomorrow and that we will have a good time together. When i returned home the first night, it felt like shiet waking up from bed to see no one beside me.

I guess that is my weakness. But my cousin corrected me instead, saying that it's a need and so don't be ashamed about it. And now that i learned about it, i shall remind myself to never take things for granted and that it is okay to want or need someone to be with you at all times or even just to let them know that they are needed, so just let your guard down and embrace the moment if ever i had the chance again.

Let's end my story now on earth, shall we?

I would want to admit now that i really really feel like giving up altogether,

Get down on my knees and beg, please take me away from here.

I don't know what is life anymore.

Taking away my own life would be a sin to do and not being able to have another one next time,

but living life here now is the hardest thing to do.

I am torn and worn down to my core.

I am shaken by reality, unable to cope and fight.

I was never the strong one and maybe never was i going to be one too.

I admit now that i am unable to do things myself as much as i think that i can.

You have really rip it out from me so hard to show me that i can't do it alone.

As much as i am learning how to love myself, i am hating myself more.

Grey's words

I have never stopped crying since the day he left me.

Every night, before i close my eyes,

tears streams down my cheek,

i had to cry myself to sleep to feel better.

When i fall asleep, it is then the only time that i can see you,

and i don't want to wake up because it hurts so badly to know that you're not around.

I watched Grey's Anatomy yesterday night coz it was on Star channel,

before it ends, Grey said this:

"Sometimes you can just let guard down, you do not necessarily need to be tough always...."

"It's now that i feel safe with myself and that i am not ready to give it up just like that......"

I'm only human hence i allow myself to cry and to feel what it is like to be left alone again.

I'm so tired of being ditch over and over again as if i'm worth nothing at all.

This time is was my fault, i was at wrong.

I think i should really reflect on myself and change myself for a better.

Uncapped thought IV

I to haerenga, ko a au i mahue pouri

Uncapped thoughts III

Let's see.......

I have so many things in mind but i am unable to word them all...

Step by step, here we go.

I'm in total rage because....

You called me a psychopath and telling me how possessive i am.

Here's the thing, you never realised the things that you said that can make me go apeshit!!

I can be a total bitch if you're asking for it.

I hate being called a psychopath just because of a guy? seriously....

and i do not appreciate either how possessive i am being.

Here i am lingering and thinking...

Maybe you are right. I don't know how i have turn into this ugly monster and i totally hate the fact that i am one now.

You're the only reason that i am being like that.

Now, how do i stop.....

All i was asking for is to just be beside you.

We used to be together every moment and now that you just move on like that,

Hey.....

I need time too. I am only human too to feel such a way.

I am so used to having you around and now that you are not around, of course things are different.

I know...

You said that maybe it will be good for us to be apart.

I think we are just not doing very well being apart.

But.......

I decided to take your advice and now it has turn me into this bitch.

I know i don't have the courage to say all this out whenever i am in front of you.

Sucks to be me!

I shall leave you alone or should i put it in another way.

Please don't call cause i need time to deal with things and pull myself together without you.

Yes....

I know you are doing pretty well.

Good on you!

But now it's my turn so spare me.

Please.....

Uncapped thoughts II

It is only when we are apart,

we realise so much around us and what we used to have.

I do not think that it is working out.

Everything is different.

The feeling we have for each other,

the way we speak, the way we touch,

the way we look at each other are forever change.

Is it one of your tactic to help yourself to move on better?

Because I feel totally smothered.

There are so many things i want to say but can't express it out.

Whenever i do, i just get cut off.

Sure..you know best....

You said you will change but no.

On the other side, you get all rights to judge others,

What irony!

A full stop for us.

While everyone is able to work out their relationships,

mine just went down the drain instantly.

We talked on how we should patch things up,

in a few hours time,

there we go again, arguing.

This time, was about him wanting others to have supper with us,

i on the other hand, wanted to spend quality time just the both of us.

For him, he didn't understand at all why it should be just 2 of us.

He said his heart doesn't want us to go different ways, but rationality is that we should.

For me I don't understand why can't we spend our time just the 2 of us, since we don't get to see each other during weekdays unlike we used to.

I told him we can't communicate with each other and i certainly don't know how are we going to patch things up.

After all that, he mentioned that i have poor comprehension skills, this made me feel dumb. What else, he called me crazy for thinking that we have spend less time with each other, this made me feel as if i am the clingy psycho. Which none of these two statements are true. I know it is not true. He said he wants to show me who the real me are.

He said that i am = possessive, irrational, selfish, only wants everything to go my way and also that i had lost him a very long time ago.

Then why the hell are we still lingering for so many months? He said is because he still believes that we have the chance to be good together.

There you go, finally crying and talking, we decided that it is best for us to separate.

It was heart breaking and tragic, as i thought we would be able to work it out until we grow old. Unfortunately no. Truth is even though we love each other, we are just unable to talk or work things out.

Whenever we talk it just turns to screaming, yelling and crying.

I do not want to end up like my parents. I do not want to have a broken marriage.

There are so many things i wanna say but words just won't come out. I am unable to decode my thoughts out. Whenever i do it like real slow, he will definitely, cut me of instantly. I feel degraded.

I am slowly believing that marriage and love does not matter anymore and it does not exist after going through so much shit.

That is the end of us.

Uncapped thoughts

I haven't been blogging at all..god knows how long i've been away from this page of mine. Now, where do I start and how should I start expressing my thoughts here....

I remember the last break up, not quite vividly, but clear enough to tell myself that if ever to have a partner again i shall love him and appreciate the times we spent together because i don't want to lose him. After 2 years plus of not being in a relationship, here i am again. Going back to square 1 on how i used to behave. Behaving like how i have always been. Could not just back down, as my sense of pride keeps pushing in.

I do want us to be good, but there is something that i would not let go. Could it be because i am a very insecure person, so afraid if i were to give in, he would treat me like how my ex treated me? Just leave me like that? Why am i acting like this? There's always something missing in the relationship.

He said that i have never respected the relationship. To me obviously in my head there's this one question mark, hanging....."In wot sense?" He said that he has done everything he can to save us. I do agree on this. He has always loved me and cared for me and has always been there for me except for this one time when i was having diarrhea, that's the only time he could careless.

I have spent a lot of my time being with him and his family but yet he could not see it. He still thinks that i am not committed to the relationship we have. Hence, it leads us into arguments say maybe 4 times or more in week, and this has been on going for like 9 months.

Both of us are extremely emotionally tired. Obviously, i know part of it was mine to blame for calling it quits numerous time and of course with my temper that flicks him away from me.

We then came to realize that both people with strong personalities are unable to communicate with each other. Utter ridiculous right! This is the first time that i have ever encountered such things.

So wot now? i love him very much as well, but we couldn't get along. He said that he could careless whether we are together or apart. That really shatters me.

Ohhhhh wellllllllllll.......wondney law...just remember that life goes on and it is not the end of it. When one door closes, the next will open...hang in there!

2011 is here

Yes, been blogging not soo much anymore. I try to make it as often, but doesn't seem to have the time to do it like used to or rather how i want it to.

Another year older. Have not achieve anything i want yet. How sad. Seriously, i don't even know what i really want at the moment. Has been like this since God knows when. How have 2010 been treating me. Not really nicely. I can tell you. Things just got bad to worse and worse to horrible.

But, i try not to let it bother me...How about i do a re-cap for this year?Shall we...

No1. Meeting a guy from the bar, which claims that he likes me but don't want to be in a relationship. That's fine, until he keeps calling every night after he is drunk for the next 3 months unable to let me live my life.

No2. I fell off from a blardee pavement n broke my foot. That's fine. But to actually find out 2 weeks later and got it operated without realising it was an operation, some anal docs we have in M'sia. Now i've ended up my foot with a screw. Is that even necessary.

No3. I was suppose to fly off else where middle of the year in search of myself and an opportunity to leave town which i hate so much. But nooooo, with my broken foot i have to stay literally in my bed room for the whole entire 2 months. Can anything be awesome than this.

No4. Hence, i found myelf a job out of boredom. For your information, i used to work for that same particular company when i was in kiwi. Obviously it was easy to get into the company since i know so much about their business, of course i did not reveal to them that i used to work for the company previously. STINK!

So, whatever i have stated for my 2010's resolution most of it are unachievable. How about this 2011's one then? With a partner with me, it's a bit tough to plan things that i should achieve alone.

Speaking of my partner, he is 180 cm tall. Long, skinny arms and legs, cute face, a temper, an attitude problem and a very protective partner indeed. We argue most times due to our indifferences.

So how should i plan?

I would really want to join dancing class but too lazy to hit the dance floor and practice.

I would really like my life to be else wea than here in Malaysia, but i have someone here who doesnt want to leave.

I would really like to lead a wealthy life but at the same time i would also want to live a simple one.

Fickle isn't it!

I'll try setting simple ones like........

- Earning as much money and career at the same time.

- Tone down my stubbornness and pride to get along with my partner.

End.