Needs

I used to judge those who quickly has a partner because they needed someone beside them regardless weather they are just treated as a re-bound or they just want somebody to kill their loneliness. I called them the weaklings, who are unable to stay alone by themselves. Little did i know that every humans are different and that it comes by as a need. Hence i stop the judging.

I too, of course has went through that path whereby finding someone else to just take over someone's place so that i dun feel the pain so much. I then learned how unfair it is and time wasting for both parties as one wants a future and the other just wanna kill time.

After that case, I swore to myself that i shall never repeat this mistake anymore. Look at me now, sadly to say, i need someone beside me to pull me through this rough time. Don't get me wrong, as in needing a rebound partner or whatsoever. Is just that i needed a friend to stay by me at all times. I didn't realised it until i returned from Perth.

I feel comfortable and for the first time i really stopped crying and smile from my heart when Mandy was beside me. At night i sleep soundly knowing that i will see her tomorrow and that we will have a good time together. When i returned home the first night, it felt like shiet waking up from bed to see no one beside me.

I guess that is my weakness. But my cousin corrected me instead, saying that it's a need and so don't be ashamed about it. And now that i learned about it, i shall remind myself to never take things for granted and that it is okay to want or need someone to be with you at all times or even just to let them know that they are needed, so just let your guard down and embrace the moment if ever i had the chance again.

Let's end my story now on earth, shall we?

I would want to admit now that i really really feel like giving up altogether,

Get down on my knees and beg, please take me away from here.

I don't know what is life anymore.

Taking away my own life would be a sin to do and not being able to have another one next time,

but living life here now is the hardest thing to do.

I am torn and worn down to my core.

I am shaken by reality, unable to cope and fight.

I was never the strong one and maybe never was i going to be one too.

I admit now that i am unable to do things myself as much as i think that i can.

You have really rip it out from me so hard to show me that i can't do it alone.

As much as i am learning how to love myself, i am hating myself more.

Grey's words

I have never stopped crying since the day he left me.

Every night, before i close my eyes,

tears streams down my cheek,

i had to cry myself to sleep to feel better.

When i fall asleep, it is then the only time that i can see you,

and i don't want to wake up because it hurts so badly to know that you're not around.

I watched Grey's Anatomy yesterday night coz it was on Star channel,

before it ends, Grey said this:

"Sometimes you can just let guard down, you do not necessarily need to be tough always...."

"It's now that i feel safe with myself and that i am not ready to give it up just like that......"

I'm only human hence i allow myself to cry and to feel what it is like to be left alone again.

I'm so tired of being ditch over and over again as if i'm worth nothing at all.

This time is was my fault, i was at wrong.

I think i should really reflect on myself and change myself for a better.

Uncapped thought IV

I to haerenga, ko a au i mahue pouri

Uncapped thoughts III

Let's see.......

I have so many things in mind but i am unable to word them all...

Step by step, here we go.

I'm in total rage because....

You called me a psychopath and telling me how possessive i am.

Here's the thing, you never realised the things that you said that can make me go apeshit!!

I can be a total bitch if you're asking for it.

I hate being called a psychopath just because of a guy? seriously....

and i do not appreciate either how possessive i am being.

Here i am lingering and thinking...

Maybe you are right. I don't know how i have turn into this ugly monster and i totally hate the fact that i am one now.

You're the only reason that i am being like that.

Now, how do i stop.....

All i was asking for is to just be beside you.

We used to be together every moment and now that you just move on like that,

Hey.....

I need time too. I am only human too to feel such a way.

I am so used to having you around and now that you are not around, of course things are different.

I know...

You said that maybe it will be good for us to be apart.

I think we are just not doing very well being apart.

But.......

I decided to take your advice and now it has turn me into this bitch.

I know i don't have the courage to say all this out whenever i am in front of you.

Sucks to be me!

I shall leave you alone or should i put it in another way.

Please don't call cause i need time to deal with things and pull myself together without you.

Yes....

I know you are doing pretty well.

Good on you!

But now it's my turn so spare me.

Please.....

Uncapped thoughts II

It is only when we are apart,

we realise so much around us and what we used to have.

I do not think that it is working out.

Everything is different.

The feeling we have for each other,

the way we speak, the way we touch,

the way we look at each other are forever change.

Is it one of your tactic to help yourself to move on better?

Because I feel totally smothered.

There are so many things i want to say but can't express it out.

Whenever i do, i just get cut off.

Sure..you know best....

You said you will change but no.

On the other side, you get all rights to judge others,

What irony!

A full stop for us.

While everyone is able to work out their relationships,

mine just went down the drain instantly.

We talked on how we should patch things up,

in a few hours time,

there we go again, arguing.

This time, was about him wanting others to have supper with us,

i on the other hand, wanted to spend quality time just the both of us.

For him, he didn't understand at all why it should be just 2 of us.

He said his heart doesn't want us to go different ways, but rationality is that we should.

For me I don't understand why can't we spend our time just the 2 of us, since we don't get to see each other during weekdays unlike we used to.

I told him we can't communicate with each other and i certainly don't know how are we going to patch things up.

After all that, he mentioned that i have poor comprehension skills, this made me feel dumb. What else, he called me crazy for thinking that we have spend less time with each other, this made me feel as if i am the clingy psycho. Which none of these two statements are true. I know it is not true. He said he wants to show me who the real me are.

He said that i am = possessive, irrational, selfish, only wants everything to go my way and also that i had lost him a very long time ago.

Then why the hell are we still lingering for so many months? He said is because he still believes that we have the chance to be good together.

There you go, finally crying and talking, we decided that it is best for us to separate.

It was heart breaking and tragic, as i thought we would be able to work it out until we grow old. Unfortunately no. Truth is even though we love each other, we are just unable to talk or work things out.

Whenever we talk it just turns to screaming, yelling and crying.

I do not want to end up like my parents. I do not want to have a broken marriage.

There are so many things i wanna say but words just won't come out. I am unable to decode my thoughts out. Whenever i do it like real slow, he will definitely, cut me of instantly. I feel degraded.

I am slowly believing that marriage and love does not matter anymore and it does not exist after going through so much shit.

That is the end of us.